PS I LOVE YOU 31-40

Thirty-one
HOLLY HELD THE TINY ENVELOPE tightly in her hands and glanced up at the clock on
the wall over the kitchen table. It was twelve-fifteen. Usually Sharon and Denise would have
called her by now, all excited to hear about what was inside the envelope. But so far neither of
them had called. It seemed news of an engagement and a pregnancy beat the news of a message
from Gerry these days. Holly scorned herself for being so bitter; she wanted to be happy for her
friends, she wanted to be back in the restaurant right now celebrating their good news with
them like the old Holly would have done. But she couldn't bring herself even to smile for them.
She was jealous of them and their good fortune. She was angry with them for moving on
without her. Even in the company of friends she felt alone; in a room of a thousand people she
would feel alone. But mostly when she roamed the rooms of her quiet house she felt so alone.
She couldn't remember the last time she'd felt truly happy, when somebody or something caused
her to laugh so hard her stomach pained her and her jaw ached. She missed going to bed at night
with absolutely nothing on her mind, she missed enjoying eating food instead of it becoming
something she just had to endure in order to stay alive, she hated the butterflies she got in her
tummy every time she remembered Gerry. She missed enjoying watching her favorite television
programs instead of their just becoming something she would stare at blankly to pass the hours.
She hated feeling like she had no reason to wake up; she hated the feeling when she did wake
up. She hated the feeling of having no excitement or anything to look forward to. She missed
the feeling of being loved, of knowing Gerry was watching her as she watched television or ate
her dinner. She missed sensing his eyes on her as she entered a room; she missed his touches, his
hugs, his words of advice, his words of love.
She hated counting down the days till she could read another one of his messages because they
were all she had left of him, and after this one there would be only three more. And she hated to
think of what her life might be like when there would be no more Gerry. Memories were fine,
but you couldn't touch them, smell them or hold them. They were never exactly as the moment
had been, and they faded with time.
So damn Sharon and Denise, they could go on with their happy lives, but for the next few
months all Holly had was Gerry. She wiped a tear from her face, tears had become such a
permanent feature on her face the past few months, and she slowly opened her seventh
envelope.
Shoot for the moon, and if you miss you'll still be among the stars.
Promise me you will find a job you love this time!
PS, I love you . . .
Holly read and reread the letter, trying to discover how it made her feel. She had been dreading
going back to work for such a long time now, had believed that she wasn't ready to move on,
that it was too soon. But now she knew she had no choice. It was time. And if Gerry said it was
to be, it would be. Holly's face broke into a smile. “I promise, Gerry,” she said happily. Well, it
was no holiday to Lanzarote, but at least it was one step further to getting her life back on track.
She studied his writing for a long time after reading it, as she always did, and when she was
satisfied with the fact she had analyzed every word, she rushed over to the kitchen drawer, took
out a notepad and pen and began to write her own list of possible jobs.
LIST OF POSSIBLE JOBS
1. FBI Agent?–Am not American. Do not want to live in America. Have no police
experience.
2. Lawyer–Hated school. Hated studying. Do not want to go to college for ten million
years.
3. Doctor–Ugghh.
4. Nurse–Unflattering uniforms.
5. Waitress–Would eat all the food.
6. Professional people-spotter–Nice idea, but no one would pay me.
7. Beautician–Bite my nails and wax as rarely as possible. Do not want to see areas of
other people's bodies.
8. Hairdresser–Would not like boss like Leo.
9. Retail assistant–Would not like boss like Denise.
10. Secretary–NEVER AGAIN.
11. Journalist–Cont spill properly enuff. Ha-ha, should be comedienne.
12. Comedienne–Reread last joke. Wasn't funny.
13. Actress–Could not possibly outdo my wonderful performance in the critically acclaimed
“Girls and the City.”
14. Model–Too small, too fat, too old.
15. Singer–Rethink idea of comedienne (number 12).
16. Hotshot businesswoman in control of life–Hmm . . . Must do research tomorrow . . .
Holly finally collapsed onto her bed at three in the morning and dreamed of being a big hotshot
advertising woman making a presentation in front of a huge conference table on the top floor of
a skyscraper overlooking Grafton Street. Well, he did say aim for the moon . . . She woke up
early that morning excited from her dreams of success, had a quick shower, beautified herself
and walked down to her local library to look up jobs on the Internet.
Her heels made a loud noise on the wooden floor as she walked across the room to the
librarian's desk, which caused several people to look up from their books and stare at her. She
continued clattering across the huge room and her face blushed as she realized everyone was
watching her. She slowed down immediately and started to tiptoe so as not to attract any more
attention. She felt like one of the cartoon characters on TV that hugely exaggerated their
tiptoeing, and her face flared up even more when she realized she must have looked like a
complete idiot. A couple of schoolkids dressed in their uniforms who were obviously playing
truant for the day sniggered together as she made her way past their table. Holly stopped her
weird walk halfway between the door and the librarian's desk and tried to decide what to do
next.
“Shush!” The librarian scowled over at the schoolkids. More people looked up from their books
to watch the woman standing in the middle of the room. She decided to keep on walking and
quickened her pace. Her heels clicked loudly on the floor and echoed around the room and the
sound got faster and faster as she raced to the desk in order to end this humiliation.
The librarian looked up and smiled and tried to appear surprised to see someone standing at the
counter. As if she hadn't heard Holly thudding across the room.
“Hi,” Holly whispered quietly, “I was wondering if I could use the Internet.”
“Excuse me?” The librarian spoke normally and moved her head closer to Holly so she could
hear.
“Oh,” Holly cleared her throat, wondering what happened to having to whisper in libraries, “I
was wondering if I could use the Internet.”
“No problem, they're just over there,” she smiled, directing her over to the row of computers on
the far side of the room. “It's five euro for every twenty minutes online.”
Holly handed over her last ten euro. It was all she had managed to take out of her bank account
that morning. She had kept a long line of people waiting behind her at the ATM machine as she
worked her way down from one hundred euro to ten as the ATM embarrassingly beeped every
time she entered a sum of money to let her know she had “insufficient funds.” She couldn't
believe that was all she had left, but it had given her even more reason to go job-hunting
immediately.
“No no,” the librarian said, handing back her money, “you can pay when you finish.”
Holly stared across the floor to the computers. She would have to make another big noise just to
get there. She took a deep breath and raced over, passing rows and rows of tables. Holly nearly
laughed at the sight of everyone; it was almost like dominos as she passed, each head arose from
a book to stare at her. Finally she reached the computers and realized that there were none free.
She felt like she had just lost a game of musical chairs and that everyone was laughing at her.
This was getting ridiculous. She raised her hands angrily at them as if to say, “What are you all
looking at?” and they quickly buried their heads in their books again.
Holly stood in the center of the floor between the rows of tables and computers, drummed her
fingers on her handbag and looked around. Her eyes nearly popped out of her head as she
spotted Richard tapping away on one of the computers. She tiptoed over to him and touched
him on the shoulder. He jumped with fright and swirled around in his chair.
“Hiya,” she whispered.
“Oh hello, Holly, what are you doing here?” he said uneasily, as though she had caught him
doing something naughty.
“I'm just waiting for a computer,” she explained. “I'm finally looking for a job,” she said proudly.
Even saying the words made her feel like less of a vegetable.
“Oh right.” He turned to face his computer and shut down the screen. “You can use this one
so.”
“Oh no, you don't have to rush for me!” she said quickly.
“Not at all. I was just doing some research for work.” He stood up from his chair and made
room for her to sit down.
“All the way over here?” she said, surprised. “Don't they have computers in Blackrock?” she
joked. She wasn't quite sure what exactly it was that Richard did for a living, and it would seem
rude to ask him after he'd worked there more than ten years. She knew it involved wearing a
white coat, wandering around a lab and dropping colorful substances into test tubes. Holly and
Jack had always said he was making a secret potion to rid the world of happiness. She felt bad
now for ever saying that. While Holly couldn't imagine ever being truly close to Richard, and he
would probably always drive her crazy, she was coming to realize he had his good qualities. Like
giving her his space at the library computer, for one.
“My work brings me everywhere,” Richard joked awkwardly.
“Shush!” the librarian said loudly. Holly's audience once again looked up from their books. Oh,
so now she was supposed to whisper, Holly thought angrily.
Richard said a quick good-bye, made his way over to pay at the desk and slipped quietly out of
the room.
Holly sat down at the computer and the man beside her smiled strangely at her. She smiled back
and glimpsed nosily at his computer screen. She looked away quickly and nearly gagged at the
sight of the porn on his screen. He continued to stare at her with a scary smile on his face while
Holly ignored him and became engrossed in her job-hunting.
Forty minutes later she shut down the computer happily, made her way to the librarian and
placed her ten euro on the desk. The woman tapped away on the computer and ignored the
money on the counter. “That's fifteen euro, please.”
Holly gulped as she looked down at her note, “But I thought you said it was five for twenty
minutes.”
“Yes, that's right,” she smiled at her.
“But I was only online for forty minutes.”
“Actually, you were on for forty-four minutes, which cuts into the extra twenty minutes,” she
said, consulting her computer.
Holly giggled, “But that's only a few minutes more. It's hardly worth five euro.”
The librarian just continued to smile back at her.
“So you expect me to pay?” Holly asked, surprised.
“Yes, that's the rate.”
Holly lowered her voice and moved her head closer to the woman. “Look, this is really
embarrassing, but I actually only have the ten on me now. Is there any way I can come back
with the rest later on today?”
The librarian shook her head. “I'm sorry, but we can't allow that. You need to pay the entire
amount.”
“But I don't have the entire amount,” Holly protested.
The lady stared back blankly.
“Fine,” Holly huffed, taking out her mobile.
“Sorry, but you can't use that in here.” She pointed to the NO MOBILE PHONES sign on the
counter.
Holly looked up slowly at her and counted to five in her head. “If you won't let me use my
phone, well then I can't phone somebody for help. If I can't phone somebody, then they can't
come down here to give me the money. If they don't come down here with the money, well then
I can't pay you. So we have a little problem here, don't we?” she raised her voice.
The lady shuffled nervously from foot to foot.
“Can I go outside to use the phone?”
The lady thought about the dilemma. “Well, usually we don't allow people to leave the premises
without paying, but I suppose I can make an exception.” She smiled and then added quickly,
“As long as you stand just in front of the entrance there.”
“Where you can see me?” Holly said sarcastically.
The lady nervously shuffled papers below the counter and pretended to go back to work.
Holly stood outside the door and thought about who to call. She couldn't call Denise and
Sharon. Although they would probably rush home from work for her, she didn't want them to
know about her failures in life now that they were both so blissfully happy. She couldn't call
Ciara because she was on a day shift at Hogan's pub, and seeing as Holly already owed Daniel
twenty euro, she didn't think it would be wise to call her sister away from work for the sake of
five euro. Jack was back teaching at the school, Abbey was too, Declan was at college and
Richard wasn't even an option.
Tears rolled down her face as she scrolled down through the list of names in her phone book.
The majority of people in her phone hadn't even called her since Gerry had died, which meant
she had no other friends to call. She turned her back on the librarian so she wouldn't see that she
was upset. What should she do? How embarrassing her situation was to actually have to call
somebody to ask for five euro. It was even more humiliating that she had absolutely nobody to
call. But she had to or the snotty librarian would probably call the police on her. She dialed the
first number that came into her head.
“Hi, this is Gerry, please leave a message after the beep and I'll get back to you as soon as I
can.”
“Gerry,” Holly said crying, “I need you . . .”
Holly stood outside the door of the library and waited. The librarian kept a close watch on her
just in case she ran off. Holly made a face at her and turned her back to her.
“Stupid bitch,” she growled.
Finally her mum's car pulled up outside and Holly tried to make herself appear as normal as she
could. Watching her mother's happy face driving in and parking in the car park brought back
memories. Her mum used to collect her from school every day when she was younger and she
was always so relieved to see that familiar car come to rescue her after her hellish day in school.
Holly had always hated school, well, she had until she met Gerry. Then she would look forward
to going to school each day so they could sit together and flirt down the back of the class.
Holly's eyes filled with tears again and Elizabeth rushed over to her and wrapped her arms
around her baby. “Oh, my poor poor Holly, what happened, love?” she said, stroking her hair
and casting evil glances in at the librarian as Holly explained the story.
“OK, love, why don't you wait out in the car and I'll go in and deal with her.” Holly did as she
was told and sat in the car flicking through the radio stations as her mum confronted the school
bully.
“Silly cow,” her mother grumbled as she climbed back into the car. She looked over at her
daughter, who looked so lost. “Why don't we go home and we can relax?”
Holly smiled gratefully and a tear trickled down her face. Home. She liked the sound of that.
Holly snuggled up on the couch with her mum in Portmarnock. She felt like a teenager again.
She and her mum used to always cuddle up on the couch and fill each other in on all the gossip
in their lives. She wished she could have the same giggling conversations with her now as she
used to have then. Her mum broke into her thoughts, “I rang you last night at home, were you
out?” She took a sip of her tea.
Oh, the wonders of the magical tea. The answer to all of life's little problems. You have a gossip
and you make a cup of tea, you get fired from your job and you have a cup of tea, your husband
tells you he has a brain tumor and you have a cup of tea . . .
“Yeah, I went out to dinner with the girls and about a hundred other people I didn't know.”
Holly rubbed her eyes tiredly.
“How are the girls?” Elizabeth said fondly. She had always gotten along well with Holly's
friends, unlike Ciara's friends, who terrified her.
Holly took a sip of her tea. “Sharon's pregnant and Denise got engaged,” she said, still staring
off into space.
“Oh,” Elizabeth squeaked, not sure how to react in front of her obviously distressed daughter.
“How do you feel about that?” she asked softly, brushing a hair away from Holly's face.
Holly stared down at her hands and tried to compose herself. She wasn't successful and her
shoulders began to tremble and she tried to hide her face behind her hair.
“Oh Holly,” Elizabeth said sadly, putting her cup down and moving closer to her daughter. “It's
perfectly normal to feel like this.”
Holly couldn't even manage to get any words out of her mouth.
The front door banged and Ciara announced to the house, “We're hoooome!”
“Great,” Holly sniffed, resting her head on her mum's chest.
“Where is everyone?” Ciara shouted, banging doors closed around the house.
“Just a minute, love,” Elizabeth called out, angry that her moment with Holly was ruined.
“I have news!” Ciara's voice got louder as she got nearer to the living room. Mathew burst open
the door carrying Ciara in his arms. “Me and Mathew are moving back to Australia!” she yelled
happily into the room. She froze as she saw her upset sister in her mum's arms. She quickly
jumped down from Mathew's arms, led him out of the room, and closed the door silently behind
them.
“Now Ciara's going too, Mum,” Holly cried even harder, and Elizabeth cried softly for her
daughter.
Holly stayed up late that night talking to her mum about everything that had been bubbling up
inside her for the past few months. And although her mother offered many words of kind
reassurance, Holly still felt as trapped as before. She stayed in the guest bedroom that night and
woke up to a madhouse the following morning. Holly smiled at the familiarity of the sound of
her brother and sister running around the house screaming about how they were late for college
and late for work, followed by their dad grumbling at them to get a move on, followed by her
mum's gentle pleas for everyone to stay silent so as not to disturb Holly. The world went on,
simple as that, and there was no bubble big enough to protect her.
At lunchtime Holly's dad dropped her home and squeezed a check for five thousand euro into
her hand.
“Oh, Dad, I can't accept this,” Holly said, overcome with emotion.
“Take it,” he said, gently pushing her hand away. “Let us help you, love.”
“I'll pay back every cent,” she said, hugging him tightly.
Holly stood at the door and waved her father off down the road. She looked at the check in her
hand and immediately a weight was lifted from her shoulders. She could think of twenty things
she could do with this check, and for once buying clothes wasn't one of them. Walking into the
kitchen she noticed the red light flashing on the answering machine on the table in the hall. She
sat on the end of the stairs and hit the button.
She had five new messages.
One was from Sharon ringing to see if she was OK because she hadn't heard from her all day.
The second was from Denise ringing to see if she was OK because she hadn't heard from her all
day. The two girls had obviously been talking to each other. The third was from Sharon, the
fourth was from Denise and the fifth was just somebody hanging up. Holly pressed delete and
ran upstairs to change her clothes. She wasn't quite ready to talk to Sharon and Denise yet; she
needed to get her life into order first so she could be more of a support for them.
She sat in the spare room in front of her computer and began to type up a CV. She had become
an old pro at doing this as she changed her jobs so often. It had been a while since she had to
worry about going to interviews, though. And if she did get an interview, who would want to
hire someone who hadn't been working for a whole year?
It took her two hours to finally print out something that she thought was at least half decent. In
fact, she was really proud of what she had done, she had somehow managed to make herself
look intelligent and experienced. She laughed loudly in the room, hoping she would manage to
fool her future employers into thinking she was a capable worker. Reading back over her CV
she decided that even she would hire herself. She dressed smartly and drove down to the village
in the car she had finally managed to fill with petrol. She parked outside the recruitment office
and applied lip gloss in her car mirror. There was to be no more time wasting. If Gerry said to
find a job, she was going to find a job.
Thirty-two
A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER HOLLY sat out on her new garden furniture in her back
garden, sipped on a glass of red wine and listened to the sound of her wind chimes making
music in the breeze. She looked around at the neat lines of her newly landscaped garden and
decided that whoever was working on her garden had to be a professional. She breathed in and
allowed the sweet scent of the flowers to fill her nostrils. It was eight o'clock and already it was
beginning to get dark. The bright evenings were gone, and everybody was once again preparing
for hibernation for the winter months.
She thought about the message she had received on her answering machine that day. It had been
from the recruitment agency and she was shocked to have received a reply from them so quickly.
The woman on the phone said that there had been a great response to her resume and already
Holly had two job interviews lined up. Butterflies fluttered around her stomach at the thought
of it. She had never been particularly good at job interviews, but then again she had never been
particularly keen on any of the jobs she was being interviewed for. This time she felt different;
she was excited to get back to work and to try something new. Her first interview was for a job
selling advertising space for a magazine that circulated throughout Dublin. It was something she
had absolutely no experience in, but she was willing to learn because the idea of it sounded far
more interesting than any of her former jobs, which had mostly entailed answering the phone,
taking messages and filing. Anything that involved not having to do any of those things was a
step up.
The second interview was with a leading Irish advertising company and she knew she had
absolutely no hope of being employed there. But Gerry had told her to shoot for the moon . . .
Holly also thought about the phone call she had just received from Denise. Denise had been so
excited on the phone she didn't seem to be at all bothered by the fact that Holly hadn't talked to
her since they'd gone out for dinner. In fact, Holly didn't think she had even noticed that Holly
hadn't returned her phone call. Denise had been all talk about her wedding arrangements and
rambled on for almost an hour about what kind of dress she should wear, what flowers she
should choose, where she should hold the reception. She started sentences and then forgot to
finish them as she jumped from topic to topic. All Holly had to do was make a few noises to let
her know she was still listening . . . although she wasn't. The only piece of information she had
taken in was that Denise was planning to have the wedding on New Year's Eve, and by the
sounds of it Tom wouldn't be having a say in how Denise's special day should be run. Holly was
surprised to hear they had set a date so soon, she had just assumed it would be one of those
long-winded last-a-few-years kind of engagements, especially as Denise and Tom had only been
an item for four months. But Holly didn't worry about that as much as she would have when she
was her old self. She was now a regular subscriber to the finding love and holding on to it
forever magazine. Denise and Tom were right not to waste time worrying about what people
thought if they knew in their hearts it was the right decision.
Sharon hadn't called Holly since the day after she had announced her pregnancy, and Holly
knew she would have to call her friend soon before the days passed her by and it was too late.
This was an important time in Sharon's life and she knew she should be there for her, but she
just couldn't bring herself to do it. She was being a jealous, bitter and incredibly selfish friend,
she knew that, but Holly needed to be selfish these days in order to survive. She was still trying
to get her head around the fact that Sharon and John were managing to achieve everything that
everyone had always assumed Holly and Gerry would do first. Sharon had always said she hated
kids, Holly thought angrily. Holly would call Sharon when she was good and ready.
It began to get chilly and Holly took her glass of wine inside to her warm house where she
refilled it. All she could do for the next couple of days was wait for her job interviews and pray
for success. She went into the sitting room, turned on her and Gerry's favorite album of love
songs on the CD player and snuggled up on the couch with her glass of wine, where she closed
her eyes and pictured them dancing around the room together.
The following day she was awoken by the sound of a car driving into her driveway. She got out
of bed and threw Gerry's dressing gown on, presuming it was her car being returned from the
garage. She peeped out of the curtains and immediately jumped back as she saw Richard
stepping out of his car. She hoped he hadn't seen her because she really wasn't in the mood for
one of his visits. She paced her bedroom floor feeling guilty as she ignored the doorbell ringing
for the second time. She knew she was being horrible, but she just couldn't bear sitting down
with him for another awkward conversation. She really hadn't anything to talk about anymore,
nothing had changed in her life, she had no exciting news, not even any normal news to tell
anybody, never mind Richard.
She breathed a sigh of relief as she heard him walk away and heard his car door bang shut. She
stepped into the shower and allowed the warm water to run over her face and she was once
again lost in a world of her own. Twenty minutes later she padded downstairs in her Disco Diva
slippers. A scraping noise from outside made her freeze in her step. She pricked her ears up and
listened more closely, trying to identify the sound. There it was again. A scraping noise and a
rustling like somebody was in her garden . . . Holly's eyes widened as she realized that her
leprechaun was outside working in her garden. She stood still, unsure of what to do next.
She crept into the living room, stupidly thinking the person outside would hear her wandering
around her house, and she got down on her knees. Peering above the windowsill she gasped as
she saw Richard's car still sitting in the driveway. What was even more surprising was the sight
of Richard on his hands and knees with a small gardening implement in his hand, digging up the
soil and planting new flowers. She crawled away from the window and sat on the carpet in
shock, unsure of what to do next. The sound of her car being parked outside the house snapped
her back to attention and her brain went on overdrive as she tried to figure out whether to
answer the door to her mechanic or not. For some odd reason Richard didn't want Holly to
know that he was working on her garden, and she decided she was going to respect that wish...
for now.
She hid behind the couch as she saw her mechanic approach the door and she had to laugh at
how ridiculous this all seemed. She giggled quietly to herself as the doorbell rang and she
scurried even further behind the couch as her mechanic walked over to the window and stared
in. Her heart beat wildly and she felt as though she were doing something illegal. She covered
her mouth and tried to smother her laughs. She felt like such a child again. She had always been
hopeless at playing hide-and-seek, whenever she felt her seeker coming near her she would
always get an attack of the giggles and her hiding place would be found. Then for the rest of the
day she would have to search for everybody else. She wouldn't giggle then because everybody
knew that was the boring part that was always given to the youngest child. But she was making
up for lost wins in the past because she had succeeded in fooling both Richard and her
mechanic, and she rolled around on the carpet laughing at herself as she heard him drop the keys
through the letterbox and walk away from the door.
A few minutes later she stuck her head out from around the couch and checked if it was safe to
come out. She stood up and brushed the dust off her clothes, telling herself she was too old to
be playing silly games. She peeked out from behind the curtain again and saw Richard packing
up his gardening equipment.
On second thought, these silly games were fun and she had nothing else to do. Holly kicked off
her slippers and shoved her feet into her trainers. As soon as she saw Richard drive down the
road she ran outside and hopped into her car. She was going to chase her leprechaun.
She managed to stay three cars behind him all the way, just like they did in the movies, and she
slowed down as she saw him pulling over ahead of her. He parked his car and went into the
newsagent and returned with a newspaper in his hand. Holly put her sunglasses on, adjusted her
baseball cap and peered over the top of the Arab Leader that was covering her face. She
laughed at herself as she caught sight of her reflection in the mirror. She looked like the most
suspicious person in the world. She watched Richard cross the road and head into the Greasy
Spoon. She was slightly disappointed; she was hoping for a far juicier adventure than this.
She sat in her car for a few minutes trying to formulate a new plan and jumped with fright as a
traffic warden banged on her window.
“You can't park here,” he said, motioning toward the car park. Holly smiled back sweetly and
rolled her eyes as she backed into a free space. Surely Cagney and Lacey never had this problem.
Eventually her inner child settled down to have a nap and mature Holly took her cap and glasses
off and tossed them onto the passenger seat, feeling foolish. Silly games over. Real life starting
now.
She crossed the road and looked around inside the café for her brother. She spotted him sitting
down with his back to her, hunched over his newspaper and drinking a cup of tea. She marched
over happily with a smile on her face. “God, Richard, do you ever go to work?” she joked
loudly, causing him to jump. She was about to say more but stopped herself as he looked up at
her with tears in his eyes and his shoulders began to shake.
Thirty-three
HOLLY LOOKED AROUND TO SEE if anyone else in the café had noticed and she slowly
pulled out a chair and sat down beside Richard. Had she said something wrong? She looked at
Richard's face in shock, not knowing what to do or what to say. She could safely say that she
had never been in this situation before. Tears rolled down his face and he tried with all his might
to stop them.
“Richard, what's wrong?” she said, confused, and she placed her hand awkwardly on his arm
and patted it.
Richard continued to shake with tears.
The plump lady dressed in a canary yellow apron this time made her way around the counter and
placed a box of tissues on the table beside Holly.
“Here you go,” she said, handing Richard a tissue. He wiped his eyes and blew his nose loudly, a
big old-man blow, and Holly tried to hide her smile.
“I'm sorry for crying,” Richard said, embarrassed, and avoided eye contact with her.
“Hey,” she said softly, placing her hand more easily on his arm this time, “there's nothing wrong
with crying. It's my new hobby these days, so don't knock it.”
He smiled at her weakly. “Everything just seems to be falling apart, Holly,” he said sadly,
catching a tear with the tissue before it dropped from his chin.
“Like what?” she asked, concerned at her brother's transformation into somebody she didn't
know at all. Come to think of it, she had never really known the real Richard. She had seen so
many sides to him over the past few months he had her slightly baffled.
Richard took a deep breath and gulped back his tea. Holly looked up at the woman behind the
counter and ordered another pot.
“Richard, I've recently learned that talking about things helps,” Holly said gently. “And coming
from me that's a huge tip, because I used to keep my mouth shut thinking I was superwoman,
able to keep all feelings inside.” She smiled at him encouragingly. “Why don't you tell me about
it.”
He looked doubtful.
“I won't laugh, I won't say anything if you don't want me to. I won't tell a soul what you tell me,
I'll just listen,” she assured him.
He looked away from her and focused on the salt and pepper shakers at the center of the table
and spoke quietly, “I lost my job.”
Holly remained silent and waited for him to say more. After a while, when she didn't say
anything, Richard looked up to face her.
“That's not so bad, Richard,” she said softly, giving him a smile. “I know you loved your job,
but you can find another one. Hey, if it makes you feel any better, I used to lose my jobs all the
time–”
“I lost my job in April, Holly,” he interrupted. Then he spoke angrily, “It is now September.
There's nothing for me . . . not in my line of work . . .” He looked away.
“Oh.” Holly didn't know quite what to say. After a long silence she spoke again, “But at least
Meredith is still working, so you still have a regular income. Just take the time you need to find
the right job . . . I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but–”
“Meredith left me last month,” he interrupted her again, and this time his voice was weaker.
Holly's hands flew to her mouth. Oh, poor Richard. She had never liked the bitch, but Richard
had adored her. “The kids?” she asked carefully.
“They're living with her,” he said and his voice cracked.
“Oh Richard, I'm so sorry,” she said, fidgeting with her hands, not knowing where to put them.
Should she hug him or leave him alone?
“I'm sorry too,” he said miserably and continued to stare at the salt and pepper shakers.
“It wasn't your fault, Richard, so don't go telling yourself it was,” she protested strongly.
“Wasn't it?” he said, his voice beginning to shake. “She told me I was a pathetic man who
couldn't even look after his own family.” He broke down again.
“Oh, never mind that silly bitch,” Holly said angrily. “You are an excellent father and a loyal
husband,” she said strongly and realized she meant every word of it. “Timmy and Emily love you
because you're fantastic with them, so don't mind what that demented woman says to you.” She
wrapped her arms around him and hugged her brother while he cried. She felt so angry she
wanted to go over to Meredith and punch her in the face. In fact, she had always wanted to do
that, but now she even had an excuse.
Richard's tears finally subsided and he pulled away from her and grabbed another tissue. Holly's
heart went out to him; he had always tried so hard to be perfect and to create a perfect life and
family for himself and it hadn't worked out as he had planned. He seemed to be in a great deal of
shock.
“Where are you staying?” she asked, suddenly realizing that he had had no home to go to for the
past few weeks.
“In a B&B down the road. Nice place. Friendly people,” he said, pouring another cup of tea.
Your wife leaves you and you have a cup of tea . . .
“Richard, you can't stay there,” Holly protested. “Why didn't you tell any of us?”
“Because I thought we could work it out, but we can't . . . she's made up her mind.”
As much as Holly wanted to invite him to stay with her in her house, she just couldn't do it. She
had far too much to deal with on her own, and she was sure Richard would understand that.
“What about Mum and Dad?” she asked. “They would love to be able to help you out.”
Richard shook his head. “No, Ciara's home now and so is Declan, I wouldn't want to dump
myself on them as well. I'm a grown man now.”
“Oh Richard, don't be silly.” She made a face. “There's the spare room, which is your old room.
I'm positive you would be welcome back there.” She tried to persuade him. “Sure I even slept
there a few nights ago.”
He looked up from staring at the table.
“There is absolutely nothing wrong with returning to the house you grew up in every now and
again. It's good for the soul.” She smiled at him.
He looked uncertain. “Em . . . I don't think that's such a good idea, Holly.”
“If it's Ciara you're worried about, then don't. She's heading back to Australia in a few weeks
with her boyfriend so the house will be . . . less hectic.”
His face relaxed a little.
Holly smiled. “So what do you think? Come on, it's a great idea and this way you won't be
throwing your money away on some smelly ol' dump. I don't care how nice you say the owners
are.”
Richard smiled and it quickly faded again. “I couldn't ask Mother and Father, Holly, I . . .
wouldn't know what to say.”
“I'll go with you,” she promised. “And I'll talk to them for you. Honestly, Richard, they'll be
delighted to help out. You're their son and they love you. We all do,” she added, placing her
hand over his.
“OK,” he finally agreed, and she linked her arm in his as they headed out to their cars.
“Oh by the way, Richard, thank you for my garden.” Holly smiled at him, then leaned over and
kissed him on the cheek.
“You know?” he asked, surprised.
She nodded. “You have a huge talent, and I'm going to pay you every single penny you deserve
as soon as I find a job.”
Her brother's face relaxed into a shy smile.
They got into their cars and drove back to Portmarnock to the house they'd grown up in.
Two days later Holly looked at herself in the toilet mirror of the office building where her first
job interview was taking place. She had lost so much weight since she had last worn her old
suits that she had had to go out and purchase a new one. It was flattering to her new slim figure.
The jacket was long and went to just above her knees, and it was fastened tightly by one button
at the waist. The trousers were just the right fit and fell perfectly over her boots. The outfit was
black with light pink lines going through and she matched it with a light pink top underneath.
She felt like a hotshot advertising businesswoman in control of her life, and all she needed to do
now was to sound like one. She applied another layer of pink lip gloss and ran her fingers
through her loose curls, which she had decided to allow to tumble down her shoulders. She took
a deep breath and headed back out to the waiting area.
She took her seat again and glanced down at all the other applicants for the job. They seemed
far younger than Holly and they all seemed to have a thick folder of some kind sitting on their
laps. She looked around and started to panic . . . sure enough everybody had one of these
folders. She stood up from her seat again and headed over to the secretary.
“Excuse me,” Holly said, trying to get her attention.
The woman looked up and smiled, “Can I help you?”
“Yes, I was just in the toilet there and I think I must have missed being given a folder.” Holly
smiled politely at her.
The woman frowned and looked confused. “I'm sorry, what folders were handed out?”
Holly turned around and pointed to the folders sitting on the other applicants' laps and turned to
face the secretary with a smile on her face.
The lady smiled and motioned her to come closer with her finger.
Holly tucked her hair behind her ears and moved nearer. “Yes?”
“Sorry honey, but they're actually portfolios that they brought themselves,” she whispered to her
so that Holly wouldn't be embarrassed.
Holly's face froze. “Oh. Should I have brought one of them with me?”
“Well, do you have one?” the lady asked with a friendly smile.
Holly shook her head.
“Well then, don't worry about it. It's not a requirement, people just bring these things to show
off,” she whispered to her and Holly giggled.
Holly returned to her seat and continued to worry about this portfolio business. Nobody had said
anything to her about any stupid portfolios. Why was she the last to know everything? She
tapped her foot and looked around the office while she waited. She got a good feeling from the
place, the colors were warm and cozy and the light poured in from the large Georgian windows.
The ceilings were high and there was a lovely feeling of space. Holly could sit there all day
thinking. She suddenly felt so relaxed that her heart didn't even jump as her name was called.
She walked confidently down toward the door of the interview office and the secretary winked
at her to wish her good luck. Holly smiled back at her; for some reason she already felt part of
the team. She paused just outside the door of the office and took a deep breath.
Shoot for the moon, she whispered to herself, shoot for the moon.
Thirty-four
HOLLY KNOCKED LIGHTLY ON THE door and a deep gruff voice told her to enter. Her
heart did a little flip at the sound of his voice, feeling as if she had been summoned to the
principal's office at school. She wiped her clammy hands on her suit and entered the room.
“Hello,” she said more confidently than she felt. She walked across the small room and held out
her hand to the man who had stood up from his chair and was extending his hand to her. He
greeted her with a big smile and a warm handshake. The face didn't seem to match the grumpy
voice at all, thankfully. Holly relaxed a little at the sight of him, he reminded her of her father.
He looked to be in his late fifties with a big cuddly bear physique, and she had to stop herself
from leaping over the desk to hug him. His hair was neat and almost a sparkling silver color and
she imagined he had been an extremely handsome man in his youth.
“Holly Kennedy, isn't it?” he said, taking his seat and glancing down at her CV in front of him.
She sat down in the seat opposite him and forced herself to relax. She had read every interview
technique manual she could get her hands on over the past few days and had tried to put it all
into practice, from walking into the room to the proper handshake to the way she positioned
herself in her chair. She wanted to look like she was experienced, intelligent and highly
confident. But she would need more than a firm handshake to succeed in proving that.
“That's right,” she said, placing her handbag on the ground beside her and resting her sweaty
hands on her lap.
He put his glasses on the end of his nose and flicked through her CV in silence. Holly stared at
him intently and tried to read his facial expressions. It wasn't an easy task, as he was one of
those people who had a constant frown on his face while he read. Well, it was either that or he
wasn't at all impressed by what he was seeing. She glanced around at his desk and waited for
him to start speaking again. Her eyes fell upon a silver photo frame with three pretty girls close
to her age all smiling happily at the camera. She continued to stare at it with a smile on her face,
and when she looked up she realized he had put the CV down and was watching her. She
smiled and tried to appear more businesslike.
“Before we start talking about you, I'll explain exactly who I am and what the job entails,” he
explained.
Holly nodded along with him, intending to look very interested.
“My name is Chris Feeney and I'm the founder and editor of the magazine, or the boss man as
everyone likes to call me around here,” he chuckled, and Holly was charmed by his twinkling
blue eyes.
“Basically we are looking for someone to deal with the advertising aspect of the magazine. As
you know, the running of a magazine or any media organization is hugely reliant on the
advertising we receive. We need the money for our magazine to be published, so this job is
extremely important. Unfortunately, our last man had to leave us in a hurry, so I'm looking for
somebody who could begin work almost immediately. How would you feel about that?”
Holly nodded. “That would be no problem at all, in fact I'm eager to begin work as soon as
possible.”
Mr. Feeney nodded and looked down at her CV again. “I see you've been out of the workforce
for over a year now, am I correct in saying that?” He lowered his head and stared at her over the
rim of his glasses.
“Yes that's right,” Holly nodded. “And I can assure you that was purely out of choice.
Unfortunately my husband was ill, and I had to take time off work to be with him.”
She swallowed hard; she knew that this would be an issue for every employer. Nobody wanted
to employ someone who had been idle for the past year.
“I see,” he said, looking up at her. “Well, I hope that he's fully recovered now,” he said, smiling
warmly.
Holly wasn't sure whether that was a question or not and wasn't sure whether to keep talking.
Did he want to hear about her personal life? He continued to look at her and she realized he was
waiting for an answer.
She cleared her throat. “Well no, actually, Mr. Feeney, unfortunately he passed away in February
. . . he had a brain tumor. That's why I felt it was important to leave my job.”
“Gosh.” Mr. Feeney put down the CV and took his glasses off. “Of course I can understand
that. I'm very sorry to hear that,” he said sincerely. “It must be hard for you being so young and
all . . .” He looked down at his desk for a while and then met her eyes again. “My wife lost her
life to breast cancer just last year, so I understand how you may be feeling,” he said generously.
“I'm sorry to hear that,” Holly said sadly, looking at the kind man across the table.
“They say it gets easier,” he smiled.
“So they say,” Holly said grimly. “Apparently gallons of tea does the trick.”
He started to laugh, a big guffaw of a laugh. “Yes! I've been told that one too, and my
daughters inform me that fresh air is also a healer.”
Holly laughed. “Ah yes, the magic fresh air; it does wonders for the heart. Are they your
daughters?” She smiled, looking at the photograph.
“Indeed they are,” he said, smiling also. “My three little doctors who try to keep me alive,” he
laughed. “Unfortunately the garden no longer looks like that anymore, though,” he said,
referring to the photograph.
“Wow, is that your garden?” Holly said, wide-eyed. “It's beautiful; I presumed it was the
Botanic Gardens or somewhere like that.”
“That was Maureen's specialty. You can't get me out of the office long enough to sort through
that mess.”
“Oh, don't talk to me about gardens,” Holly said, rolling her eyes, “I'm not exactly Ms.
Greenfingers myself, and the place is beginning to look like a jungle.” Well, it did look like a
jungle, she thought to herself.
They continued to look at each other and smile, and Holly was comforted to hear a similar story
from someone else in her position. Whether she got the job or not, at least she was comforted
that she was not entirely alone.
“Anyway, getting back to the interview,” Mr. Feeney said. “Have you any experience in
working with the media at all?”
Holly didn't like the way he said “at all”; it meant that he had read through her CV and couldn't
see any sign of experience for the job.
“Yes I have, actually.” She returned to business mode and tried hard to impress him. “I once
worked in an estate agents and I was responsible for dealing with the media regarding
advertising the new properties that were for sale. So I was on the other end of what this job
requires and so I know how to deal with companies who are wishing to buy space.”
Mr. Feeney nodded along. “But you have never actually worked on a magazine or newspaper or
anything like that?”
Holly nodded her head slowly and racked her brains for something to say. “But I was
responsible for printing up a weekly newsletter for a company I worked for . . .” She rambled on
and on, grasping at every little straw she could, and realized she was sounding rather pathetic.
Mr. Feeney was too polite to interrupt her as she went through every job she'd ever worked at
and exaggerated anything that was in any way related to advertising or media. Eventually she
stopped talking as she grew bored at the sound of her own voice, and she twisted her fingers
around each other nervously on her lap. She was underqualified for this job and she knew it, but
she also knew that she could do it if he would just give her the chance.
Mr. Feeney took off his glasses. “I see. Well Holly, I can see that you have a great deal of
experience in the workplace in various different areas, but I notice that you haven't stayed in any
of your jobs for a period longer than of nine months . . .”
“I was searching for the right job for me,” Holly said, her confidence now totally shattered.
“So how do I know you won't desert me after a few months?” He smiled but she knew he was
serious.
“Because this is the right job for me,” she said seriously. Holly took a deep breath as she felt her
chances slipping away from her, and she wasn't prepared to give up that easily. “Mr. Feeney,”
she said, moving forward to sit on the edge of her chair. “I'm a very hard worker. When I love
something I give it one hundred percent, as I'm extremely committed. I'm a very capable person
and what I don't know now I am more than willing to learn so that I can do my best for myself,
for you and for the company. If you put your trust in me, I promise I won't let you down.” She
stopped herself just short of getting down on her knees and begging for the damn job. Her face
blushed as she realized what she had just done.
“Well then, I think that's a good note to finish on,” Mr. Feeney said, smiling at her. He stood up
from his chair and held his hand out. “Thank you very much for taking the time to come down
here. I'm sure we'll be in touch.”
Holly shook his hand and thanked him quietly, picked her bag up from the ground and felt his
eyes burning into her back as she headed toward the door. Just before she stepped outside the
door she turned back to face him. “Mr. Feeney, I'll make sure your secretary brings you in a nice
hot pot of tea. It'll do you the world of good.” She smiled and closed the door to the sound of
his loud laughter. The friendly secretary raised her eyebrows at Holly as she passed her desk, and
the rest of the applicants held on to their portfolios tightly and wondered what the lady had said
to make the interviewer laugh so loudly. Holly smiled to herself as she continued to hear Mr.
Feeney laughing and made her way out into the fresh air.
Holly decided to drop in on Ciara at work, where she could have a bite to eat. She rounded the
corner and entered Hogan's pub and searched for a table inside. The pub was packed with
people dressed smartly on their lunch breaks from work, and some were even having a few
sneaky pints before heading back to the office. Holly found a small table in the corner and
settled down.
“Excuse me,” she called out loudly and clicked her fingers in the air, “can I get some service
here please?”
The people at the tables around her threw her looks for being so rude to the staff and Holly
continued to click her fingers in the air. “Oi!” she yelled.
Ciara swirled around with a scowl on her face but it broke into a smile when she spotted her
sister grinning at her. “Jesus, I was about to smack the head off you,” she laughed, approaching
the table.
“I hope you don't speak to all your customers like that,” Holly teased.
“Not all of them,” Ciara replied seriously. “You having lunch here today?”
Holly nodded. “Mum told me you were working lunches, I thought you were supposed to be
working in the club upstairs?”
Ciara rolled her eyes. “That man has got me working all the hours under the sun, he's treating
me like a slave,” Ciara moaned.
“Did I hear someone mention my name?” Daniel laughed, walking up behind her.
Ciara's face froze as she realized he had overheard her. “No, no . . . I was just talking about
Mathew,” she stammered. “He has me up all hours of the night, I'm like his sex slave . . .” She
trailed off and wandered over to the bar to get a notepad and pen.
“Sorry I asked,” Daniel said, staring at Ciara bewildered. “Mind if I join you?” he asked Holly.
“Yes,” Holly teased, but pulled out a stool for him. “OK, what's good to eat here?” she asked,
looking through the menu as Ciara returned with pen in hand.
Ciara mouthed “Nothing” behind Daniel's back and Holly giggled.
“The toasted special is my favorite,” Daniel suggested, and Ciara shook her head wildly at
Holly. Ciara obviously didn't think much of the toasted special.
“What are you shaking your head at?” Daniel said to her, catching her in the act again.
“Oh, it's just that . . . Holly is allergic to onions,” Ciara stammered again. This was news to
Holly.
Holly nodded her head. “Yes . . . they, eh . . . make my head . . . eh . . . bloat.” She blew her
cheeks out. “Terrible things are those onions. Fatal in fact. Could kill me someday.” Ciara rolled
her eyes at her sister, who once again managed to take things way over the top.
“OK, well then, leave the onions out,” Daniel suggested and Holly agreed.
Ciara stuck her fingers in her mouth and pretended to gag as she walked away.
“You're looking very smart today,” Daniel said, studying her outfit.
“Yes, well, that was the impression I was trying to give. I was just at a job interview,” Holly
said and winced at the thought of it.
“Oh yeah, that's right,” Daniel smiled, then he made a face. “Didn't it go well?”
Holly shook her head. “Well, let's just say I need to buy a smarter-looking suit. I won't be
expecting a call from them anytime soon.”
“Oh well, not to worry,” Daniel said, smiling. “There will be plenty of other opportunities. Still
have that job upstairs if you're interested.”
“I thought you gave that job to Ciara. Why is she working downstairs now?” Holly said, looking
confused.
Daniel made a face. “Holly, you know your sister; we had a bit of a situation.”
“Oh no!” Holly laughed. “What did she do this time?”
“Some guy at the bar said something to her she didn't quite like so she poured him his pint then
served it to him over his head.”
“Oh no!” Holly gasped. “I'm surprised you didn't fire her!”
“Couldn't do that to a member of the Kennedy family, could I?” he smiled. “And besides, how
would I ever be able to face you again?”
“Exactly.” Holly smiled, “You may be my friend, but you 'gotta respect the family.' ”
Ciara frowned at her sister as she arrived with her plate of food. “Well, that has to be the worst
Godfather impression I've ever heard. Bon appétit,” she said sarcastically, slamming the plate
down on the table and turning on her heel.
“Hey!” Daniel frowned, taking Holly's plate away from her and examining her sandwich.
“What are you doing?” she demanded to know.
“There are onions in it,” he said angrily. “Ciara must have given the wrong order again.”
“No no, she didn't.” Holly jumped to her sister's rescue and grabbed the plate back from his
hands. “I'm only allergic to red onions,” she blurted out.
Daniel frowned. “How odd. I didn't think there was a huge difference.”
“Oh, there is.” Holly nodded her head and tried to sound wise, “They may be part of the same
family but the red onion . . . contains deadly toxins . . .” She trailed off.
“Toxins?” Daniel said disbelievingly.
“Well, they're toxic to me aren't they?” she mumbled, and bit into the sandwich to shut herself
up. She found it difficult to eat her sandwich under Daniel's glare without feeling like a pig, so
she finally gave up and left the remains on her plate.
“Not like it?” he asked worriedly.
“No, not at all. I love it, I just had a big breakfast,” she lied, patting her empty stomach.
“So have you had any luck with that leprechaun yet?” he teased.
“Well, actually I found him!” Holly laughed, wiping her greasy hands on her napkin.
“Really? Who was it?”
“Would you believe it was my brother Richard?” she laughed.
“Go away! So why didn't he tell you? Did he want it to be a surprise or something?”
“Something like that, I suppose.”
“He's a nice guy, Richard,” Daniel said, looking thoughtful.
“You think?” Holly said, surprised.
“Yeah, he's a harmless kind of a guy. He has a nice nature.”
Holly nodded her head while she tried to digest this information. He cut in on her thoughts,
“Have you spoken to Denise or Sharon lately?”
“Just Denise,” she said, looking away. “You?”
“Tom has my head done in with all this talk of weddings. Wants me to be his best man. To be
honest, I didn't think they would plan it all so soon.”
“Me neither,” Holly agreed. “How do you feel about it now?”
“Ah,” Daniel sighed. “Happy for him in a selfish and bitter kind of way.” He laughed.
“Know how you feel,” Holly nodded. “You haven't spoken to your ex lately or anything?”
“Who, Laura?” he said, surprised. “Never want to see the woman again.”
“Is she a friend of Tom's?”
“Not as friendly as they used to be, thank God.”
“So she won't be invited to the wedding then?”
Daniel's eyes widened. “You know, I never even thought of that. God, I hope not, Tom knows
what I would do to him if he did invite her.”
There was a silence as Daniel contemplated that thought.
“I think I'm meeting up with Tom and Denise tomorrow night to discuss the wedding plans if
you feel like coming out,” Daniel said.
Holly rolled her eyes. “Gee thanks, well, that just sounds like the best fun ever, Daniel.”
Daniel started laughing. “I know, that's why I don't want to go on my own. Call me later if you
want to go anyway.”
Holly nodded.
“Right, here's the bill,” Ciara said, dropping a piece of paper on the table and sauntering off.
Daniel watched after her and shook his head.
“Don't worry, Daniel,” Holly laughed, “you won't have to put up with her for much longer.”
“Why not?” He looked confused.
Uh-oh, Holly thought, Ciara hadn't told him she was moving away. “Oh nothing,” she
mumbled, rooting through her bag for her purse.
“No really, what do you mean?” he continued.
“Oh, I mean her shift must be nearly over now,” she said, pulling her purse out of her bag and
looking at her watch.
“Oh . . . listen, don't worry about the bill, I'll take care of that.”
“No, I'm not letting you do that,” she said, continuing to search through all the receipts and
rubbish in her purse for some money. “Which reminds me, I owe you twenty.” She placed the
money on the table.
“Forget about that.” He waved his hand dismissively.
“Hey, are you going to let me pay for anything?” Holly joked, “I'm leaving it here on the table
anyway, so you'll have to take it.”
Ciara returned to the table and held out her hand for the money.
“It's OK, Ciara, put it on my tab,” Daniel said.
Ciara raised her eyebrows at Holly and winked at her. Then she glanced down at the table and
spotted the twenty-euro note. “Ooh thanks, sis, I didn't know you were such a good tipper.” She
pocketed the money and headed over to serve another table.
“Don't worry,” Daniel laughed, looking at a shocked Holly. “I'll take it out of her wages.”
Holly's heart began to pound as she drove down her estate and spotted Sharon's car outside her
house. It had been a long time since Holly had spoken to her and she had left it so long she was
embarrassed. She contemplated turning the car around and heading off in the other direction,
but she stopped herself. She needed to face the music sometime before she lost another best
friend. If it wasn't too late already.
Thirty-five
HOLLY PULLED UP TO HER driveway and took a deep breath before getting out of her car.
She should have been to visit Sharon first and she knew it, now things just seemed far worse.
She walked toward Sharon's car and was surprised to see John stepping out. There was no
Sharon to be seen. Her heart began to pound; she hoped Sharon was OK.
“Hi Holly,” John said grimly, banging the car door behind him.
“John! Where's Sharon?!” she asked.
“I just came from the hospital.” He walked toward her slowly.
Holly's hands flew to her face and tears filled her eyes. “Oh my God! Is she OK?”
John looked confused. “Yeah, she's just having a checkup, I'm going back to collect her after I
leave here.”
Holly's hands dropped down by her side. “Oh,” she said, feeling stupid.
“You know if you're that concerned about her you should call her.” John held his head high and
his icy blue eyes stared straight into hers. Holly could see his jawline clenching and unclenching.
She held his stare until the force of his gaze caused her to look away.
Holly bit her lip, feeling guilty. “Yeah, I know. Why don't you come inside and I'll make us a
cup of tea.” At any other time she would have laughed at herself for saying that; she was turning
into one of them.
She flicked the switch on the kettle and busied herself while John made himself comfortable at
the table.
“Sharon doesn't know that I'm here so I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything.”
“Oh.” Holly felt even more disappointed. Sharon hadn't sent him. She didn't even want to see
her; she must have given up on Holly altogether.
“She misses you, you know.” John continued to stare straight at her, not blinking for one
moment.
Holly carried the mugs over to the table and sat down. “I miss her too.”
“It's been a while now, Holly, and you know the two of you used to speak to each other every
day.” John took the mug from her hand and placed it in front of him.
“Things used to be very different, John,” Holly said angrily. Didn't anybody understand what
she was going through? Was she the only sane person in the whole entire world these days?
“Look, we all know what you've been through . . . ,” John started.
“I know you all know what I've been through, John; that's blatantly obvious, but you all don't
seem to understand that I'm still going through it!”
There was a silence.
“That's not true at all.” John's voice was quieter and he fixed his gaze onto the mug he was
twirling around on the table before him.
“Yes it is. I can't just move on with my life like you're all doing and pretend that nothing has
happened.”
“Do you think that that's what we're doing?”
“Well, let's look at the evidence, shall we?” she said sarcastically. “Sharon is having a baby and
Denise is getting married–”
“Holly, that's called living,” John interrupted, and he looked up from the table. “You seem to
have forgotten how to do that. Look, I know that it's difficult for you because I know it's
difficult for me. I miss Gerry too. He was my best mate. I lived right next door to him all my life.
I went to playschool with the guy, for Christ's sake. We went to primary school together, we
went to secondary school together and we played on the same football team. I was his best man
at his wedding and he was at mine! Whenever I had a problem I went to Gerry, whenever I
wanted to have a bit of fun I went to Gerry. I told him some things that I would never have told
Sharon and he told me things he wouldn't have told you. Just because I wasn't married to him
doesn't mean that I don't feel like you do. And just because he's dead doesn't mean I have to
stop living too.”
Holly sat stunned. John twisted his chair around in order to face her properly. The legs of the
chair squeaked loudly in the silence. He took a deep breath before he spoke again.
“Yes, it's difficult. Yes, it's horrible. Yes, it's the worst thing that has ever happened to me in
my whole life. But I can't just give up. I can't just stop going to the pub because there's two
blokes laughing and joking on the stools Gerry and I used to sit on, and I can't stop going to
football matches just because it's somewhere we used to go together all the time. I can
remember it all right and smile about it, but I can't just stop going there.”
Tears welled in Holly's eyes and John continued talking.
“Sharon knows you're hurting and she understands, but you have to understand that this is a
hugely important time in her life, too, and she needs her best friend to help her through it. She
needs your help just like you need hers.”
“I'm trying John,” Holly sobbed as hot tears rolled down her cheeks.
“I know you are.” He leaned forward and grabbed her hands. “But Sharon needs you. Avoiding
the situation isn't going to help anyone or anything.”
“But I went for a job interview today,” she sobbed childishly.
John tried to hide his smile. “That's great news, Holly. And how did it go?”
“Shite,” she sniffed, and John started laughing. He allowed a silence to fall between them before
he spoke again.
“She's almost five months pregnant, you know.”
“What?” Holly looked up in surprise. “She didn't tell me!”
“She was afraid to,” he said gently. “She thought you might get mad at her and never want to
speak to her again.”
“Well, that was stupid of her to think that,” Holly said angrily and wiped her eyes aggressively.
“Oh really?” He raised his eyebrows. “So what do you call all this then?”
Holly looked away. “I meant to call her, I really did. I picked up the phone every day but I just
couldn't do it. Then I would say that I'd call the next day, and the next day I would be busy . . .
oh, I'm sorry, John. I'm truly happy for the both of you.”
“Thank you, but it's not me that needs to hear any of this, you know.”
“I know, but I've been so awful! She'll never forgive me now!”
“Oh, don't be stupid, Holly, it's Sharon we're talking about here. She'll have it all forgotten
about by tomorrow.”
Holly raised her eyebrows at him hopefully.
“Well, maybe not tomorrow. Next year perhaps . . . and you'll owe her big-time, but she'll
eventually forgive you . . .” His icy eyes warmed and twinkled back at her.
“Stop it!” Holly giggled, hitting him on the arm. “Can I go with you to see her?”
Butterflies fluttered around in Holly's stomach as they pulled up outside the hospital. She
spotted Sharon looking around as she stood alone outside, waiting to be collected. She looked
so cute Holly had to smile at the sight of her friend. Sharon was going to be a mummy. She
couldn't believe she was almost five months pregnant. That meant Sharon had been three
months pregnant when they went away on holiday and she hadn't said a word! But more
important, Holly couldn't believe that she stupidly hadn't noticed the changes in her friend. Of
course she wouldn't have had a bump at only three months; but now, as she looked at Sharon
dressed in a polo neck and jeans, she could see the swelling of a tiny bump. And it suited her.
Holly stepped out of the car and Sharon's face froze.
Oh no, Sharon was going to scream at her. She was going to tell her she hated her and that she
never wanted to see her again and that she was a crappy friend and that . . .
Sharon's face broke into a smile and she held her arms out to her. “Come here to me, you fool,”
she said softly.
Holly ran into her arms. There, with her best friend hugging her tight, she felt the tears begin
again. “Oh Sharon, I'm so sorry, I'm a horrible person. I'm so so so so so so sorry, please forgive
me. I never meant to–”
“Oh shut up, you whiner, and hug me.” Sharon cried too, her voice cracking, and they squeezed
each other for a long time as John looked on.
“Ahem,” John cleared his throat loudly.
“Oh come here, you.” Holly smiled and dragged him into their huddle.
“I presume this was your idea.” Sharon looked at her husband.
“No not at all,” he said, winking at Holly, “I just passed Holly on the street and told her I'd give
her a lift . . .”
“Yeah right,” she said sarcastically, linking arms with Holly as they walked toward the car.
“Well, you certainly gave me a lift anyway.” She smiled at her friend.
“So what did they say?” Holly asked, squeezing herself forward between the two front seats
from the back of the car like an excited little child. “What is it?”
“Well, you'll never believe this, Holly.” Sharon twisted around in her chair and matched her
friend's excitement. “The doctor told me that . . . and I believe him because apparently he's one
of the best . . . anyway he told me . . .”
“Come on!” Holly urged her on, dying to hear.
“He says it's a baby!”
Holly rolled her eyes. “Ha-ha. What I mean is, is it a boy or a girl?”
“It's an it for now. They're not too sure yet.”
“Would you want to know what 'it' is if they could tell you?”
Sharon scrunched her nose up. “I don't know actually, I haven't figured that out yet.” She
looked across at John and the two of them shared a secret smile.
A familiar pang of jealousy hit Holly and she sat quietly while she let it pass until the excitement
returned. The three of them headed back to Holly's house. She and Sharon weren't quite ready
to leave each other again after just making up. They had so much to talk about. Sitting around
Holly's kitchen table, they made up for lost time.
“Sharon, Holly went for a job interview today,” John said when he finally managed to get a
word in edgewise.
“Ooh really? I didn't know you were job-hunting already!”
“Gerry's new mission for me,” Holly smiled.
“Oh, was that what it was this month? I was just dying to know! So how did it go?”
Holly grimaced and held her head in her hands. “Oh it was awful, Sharon. I made a total fool of
myself.”
“Really?” Sharon giggled. “What was the job?”
“Selling advertising space for that magazine, X.”
“Ooh, that's cool, I read that at work all the time.”
“Don't think I know that one, what kind of magazine is it?” John asked.
“Oh, it kind of has everything in it: fashion, sports, culture, food, reviews . . . everything really.”
“And adverts,” Holly joked.
“Well, it won't have such good adverts if Holly Kennedy isn't working for them,” she said
kindly.
“Thanks, but I really don't think I will be working there.”
“Why, what was so wrong with the interview? You can't have been that bad.” Sharon looked
intrigued as she reached for the pot of tea.
“Oh, I think it's bad when the interviewer asks if you have any experience working on a
magazine or newspaper and you tell him you once printed up a newsletter for a shitty company.”
Holly banged her head playfully off the kitchen table.
Sharon burst out laughing. “Newsletter? I hope you weren't referring to that crappy little leaflet
that you printed up on the computer to advertise that dive of a company?”
John and Sharon howled with laughter.
“Ah well, it was advertising the company . . .” Holly trailed off and giggled, feeling even more
embarrassed.
“Remember, you made us all go out and post them around people's houses in the pissing rain
and the freezing cold! It took us days to do!”
“Hey, I remember that,” John laughed. “Remember, you sent me and Gerry out to post hundreds
of them one night?” He kept on laughing.
“Yeah?” Holly was afraid to hear what came next.
“Well, we shoved them in the skip at the back of Bob's pub and went in for a few pints.” He
kept on laughing at the memory of it and Holly's mouth dropped open.
“You sly little bastards!” she laughed. “Because of you two the company went bust and I lost
my job!”
“Oh, I'd say it went bust the minute people took a look at those leaflets, Holly,” Sharon teased.
“Anyway, that place was a kip. You used to moan about it every day.”
“Just one of the jobs Holly moaned about,” John joked. But he was right.
“Yeah, well, I wouldn't have moaned about this one,” she said sadly.
“There's plenty more jobs out there,” Sharon reassured her, “you just need to brush up on your
interview skills.”
“Tell me about it.” Holly stabbed away at the sugar bowl with a spoon.
They sat in silence for a while.
“You published a newsletter,” John repeated a few minutes later, still laughing at the thought of
it.
“Shut up, you,” Holly cringed. “Hey, what else did you and Gerry get up to that I don't know
about?” she demanded.
“Ah, a true friend never reveals secrets,” John teased, and his eyes danced with the memories.
But something had been unlocked. And after Holly and Sharon threatened to beat some stories
out of him, Holly learned more about her husband that night that she never knew. For the first
time since Gerry had died, the three of them laughed and laughed all night, and Holly learned
how to finally be able to talk about her husband. It used to be that the four of them gathered
together; Holly, Gerry, Sharon and John. This time only three of them gathered to remember the
one they lost. And with all their talk, he became alive for them all that night. Soon they would
be four again, with the arrival of Sharon and John's baby.
Life went on.
Thirty-six
THAT SUNDAY RICHARD CALLED OUT to visit Holly with the kids. She had told him he
was welcome to bring them by whenever it was his day with them. They played outside in the
garden while Richard and Holly finished off their dinner and watched them through the patio
doors.
“They seem really happy, Richard,” Holly said, watching them playing.
“Yes they do, don't they?” He smiled as he watched them chasing each other around. “I want
things to be as normal for them as possible. They don't quite understand what's going on, and
it's difficult to explain.”
“What have you told them?”
“Oh, that Mummy and Daddy don't love each other anymore and that I moved away so that we
can be happier. Something along those lines.”
“And they're OK with that?”
Her brother nodded slowly. “Timothy is OK but Emily is worried that we might stop loving her
and that she will have to move away.” He glanced up at Holly, his eyes sad.
Poor Emily, Holly thought, watching her dancing around with her scary-looking doll. She
couldn't believe that she was having this conversation with Richard. He seemed like a totally
different person these days. Or perhaps it was Holly who had changed; she seemed to have a
higher tolerance for him now, she found it easier to ignore his annoying little comments, and
there were still many of them. But then again, they now had something in common. They both
understood what it was like to feel lonely and unsure of themselves.
“How's everything going at Mum and Dad's house?”
Richard swallowed a forkful of potato and nodded, “Good. They're being extremely generous.”
“Ciara bothering you at all?” She felt like she was questioning her child after he returned home
from his first day of school, wanting to know if the other kids had bullied him or treated him
well. But lately she felt so protective of Richard. It helped her to help him; it gave her strength.
“Ciara is . . . Ciara,” he smiled. “We don't see eye to eye on a lot of things.”
“Well, I wouldn't worry about that,” Holly said, trying to stab a piece of pork with her fork.
“The majority of the world wouldn't see eye to eye with her either.” Her fork finally made
contact with the pork and she sent it flying off her plate and through the air, where it landed on
the kitchen counter at the far side of the room.
“And they say pigs don't fly,” Richard remarked as Holly crossed the room to retrieve the piece
of meat.
Holly giggled, “Hey Richard you made a funny!”
He looked pleased with himself. “I have my moments too, I suppose,” he said, shrugging his
shoulders. “Although I'm sure you think I don't have many of them.”
Holly sat back down in her seat slowly, trying to decide how to phrase what she was going to
say. “We're all different, Richard. Ciara is slightly eccentric, Declan is a dreamer, Jack is a joker,
I'm . . . well, I don't know what I am. But you were always very controlled. Straight and serious.
It's not necessarily a bad thing, we're all just different.”
“You're very thoughtful,” Richard said after a long silence.
“Pardon?” Holly asked, feeling confused. To cover her embarrassment she stuffed her face with
another mouthful of food.
“I've always thought you were very thoughtful,” he repeated.
“When?” Holly asked incredulously, through her mouthful.
“Well, I wouldn't be sitting here eating dinner with the kids running around having fun outside
if you weren't thoughtful now, but I was actually referring to when we were children.”
“I don't think so, Richard,” Holly said, shaking her head. “Jack and I were always so awful to
you,” she said softly.
“You weren't always awful, Holly.” He gave her an amused smile. “Anyway, that's what
brothers and sisters are for, to make each other's lives as difficult as possible for each other as
they grow up. It forms a great basis for life, toughens you up. Anyway, I was the bossy older
brother.”
“So how does that make me thoughtful?” Holly asked, feeling she had completely missed the
point.
“You idolized Jack. You used to follow him around all the time and you would do exactly what
he told you to do.” He started laughing. “I used to hear him telling you to say things to me and
you would run into my room terrified and blurt them out and run away again.”
Holly looked at her plate feeling embarrassed. She and Jack used to play terrible tricks on him.
“But you always came back,” Richard continued. “You would always creep back into my room
silently and watch me working at my desk, and I knew that was your way of saying sorry.” He
smiled at her. “So that makes you thoughtful. None of our siblings had a conscience in that
house of ours. Not even me. You were the only one, always the sensitive one.”
He continued eating his dinner and Holly sat in silence, trying to absorb all the information he
had given her. She didn't remember idolizing Jack, but when she thought about it she supposed
Richard was right. Jack was her funny, cool, good-looking big brother who had loads of friends,
and Holly used to beg him to let her play with them. She supposed she still felt that way about
him; if he called her right now and asked her to go out she would drop everything and go, and
she had never even realized that before. However, she was spending far more time with Richard
than with Jack these days. Jack had always been her favorite brother; Gerry had always gotten
along with Jack the best. It was Jack who Gerry would choose to go out for drinks with during
the week, not Richard; it was Jack who Gerry would insist on sitting beside at a family dinner.
However Gerry was gone, and although Jack rang her every now and then, he wasn't around as
much as he used to be. Had Holly held Jack up on too much of a pedestal? She realized then
that she had been making excuses for him every time he didn't call around or phone her when he
said he would. In fact, she had been making excuses for him ever since Gerry had died.
Richard had, lately, managed to give Holly a regular intake of food for thought. She watched
him remove his serviette from his collar and was interested as he folded it into a neat little
square with perfect right angles. He obsessively straightened whatever was on the table so that
everything was facing the right way in an orderly fashion. For all Richard's good qualities, which
she recognized now, Holly could not live with a man like that at all.
They both jumped as they heard a thump from outside and saw little Emily lying on the ground
in floods of tears while a shocked-looking Timmy watched. Richard leapt out of his chair and
hurried outside.
“But she just fell, Daddy, I didn't do anything!” she heard Timmy plead with his father. Poor
Timmy. She rolled her eyes as she watched Richard dragging him by the arm and ordering him
to stand in the corner to think about what he had done. Some people would never really change,
she thought wryly.
The next day Holly jumped around the house ecstatically as she replayed the message on the
answering machine for the third time.
“Hi Holly,” came the gruff voice. “This is Chris Feeney here from magazine X. I'm just calling
to say that I was very impressed with your interview. Em . . .” He stalled a bit. “Well, I wouldn't
normally say this on an answering machine, but no doubt you'll be delighted to know that I've
decided to welcome you as a new member of the team. I would love you to start as soon as
possible, so call me on the usual number when you get a chance and we'll discuss it further. Em .
. . Good-bye.”
Holly rolled around her bed in terrified delight and pressed the PLAY button again. She had
aimed for the moon . . . and she had now landed!
Thirty-seven
HOLLY STARED UP AT THE tall Georgian building and her body tingled with excitement. It
was her first day of work and she felt good times were ahead of her in this building. It was
situated in the center of town, and the busy offices of magazine X were on the second floor
above a small café. Holly had gotten very little sleep the night before due to nerves and
excitement all rolled into one; however, she didn't feel the same dread that she usually felt
before starting a new job. She had phoned Mr. Feeney back immediately (after listening to his
voice message another three times) and then she had shared the news with her family and
friends. They had been ecstatic when they heard the news, and just before she left the house that
morning she had received a beautiful bouquet of flowers from her parents congratulating her and
wishing her luck on her first day.
She felt like she was starting her first day at school and had gone shopping for new pens, a new
notepad, a folder and a new briefcase that made her look extra intelligent. But although she had
felt excited when she sat down to eat her breakfast, she had also felt sad. Sad that Gerry wasn't
there to share her new start. They had performed a little ritual every time Holly started a new
job, which was quite a regular occurrence. Gerry would wake Holly up with breakfast in bed
and then he would pack her bag with ham and cheese sandwiches, an apple, a packet of crisps
and a bar of chocolate. Then he would drive her into work on her first day, call her on her lunch
break to see if the other kids in the office were playing nicely, and return at the end of the day to
collect her and bring her home. Then they would sit together over dinner and he would listen
and laugh as Holly explained all the different characters in her office and once again grumble
about how she hated going to work. Mind you, they only ever did that on her first day, every
other day they would tumble out of bed late as usual, race each other to the shower and then
wander around the kitchen half asleep, grumbling at each other while they grabbed a quick cup
of coffee to help them get started. They would give each other a kiss good-bye and go their
separate ways for the day. And then they would start all over again the next day. If Holly had
known their time would be so precious, she wouldn't have bothered carrying out all those
tedious routines day after day . . .
This morning, however, had been a very different scenario. She awoke to an empty house in an
empty bed to no breakfast. She didn't have to fight for her right to use the shower first and the
kitchen was quiet without the sound of his fits of morning sneezes. She had allowed herself to
imagine that when she woke up Gerry would miraculously be there to greet her because it was
tradition and such a special day that it wouldn't feel right without him. But with death there
were no exceptions. Gone meant gone.
Now, poised at the entrance, Holly checked herself to see that her fly wasn't undone, her jacket
wasn't tucked into her knickers and her shirt buttons were fastened properly. Satisfied that she
looked presentable, she made her way up the wooden staircase to her new office. She entered
the waiting room area and the secretary she recognized from the interview came from around
the desk to meet her.
“Hi Holly,” she said happily, shaking her hand, “welcome to our humble abode.” She held her
hands up to display the room. Holly had liked this woman from the moment she had met her at
the interview. She looked to be about the same age as Holly and had long blond hair and a face
that seemed to be always happy and smiling.
“I'm Alice by the way, and I work out here in reception as you know. Well, I'll bring you to the
boss man now. He's waiting for you.”
“God, I'm not late, am I?” Holly asked, worriedly glancing at her watch. She had left the house
early to beat the traffic and she had given herself plenty of time to avoid being late on her first
day.
“No, you're not at all,” Alice said, leading her down to Mr. Feeney's office. “Don't mind Chris
and all the other lot, they're all workaholics. They need to get themselves a life, bless them. You
wouldn't see me hanging around here anytime after six, that's for sure.”
Holly laughed; Alice reminded her of her former self.
“By the way, don't feel that you have to come in early and stay late just because they do. I think
Chris actually lives in his office, so you'll never compete with that. The man isn't normal,” she
said loudly, tapping on his door lightly and leading her in.
“Who's not normal?” Mr. Feeney asked gruffly, standing up from his chair and stretching.
“You.” Alice smiled and closed the door behind her.
“See how my staff treat me?” Mr. Feeney laughed, approaching Holly and holding out his hand
to greet her. His handshake was once again warm and welcoming, and Holly felt immediately at
ease with the atmosphere between the workers.
“Thank you for hiring me, Mr. Feeney,” Holly said genuinely.
“You can call me Chris, and there's no need to thank me. Right, why don't you follow me and
I'll show you around the place.” He started leading her down the hall. The walls were covered
by framed covers of every X magazine that had been published for the last twenty years.
“There's not much to the place; in here is our office of little ants.” He pushed open the door and
Holly looked into the huge office. There were about ten desks in all, and the room was packed
with people all sitting in front of their computers and talking on the phone. They looked up and
waved politely. Holly smiled at them, remembering how important first impressions were.
“These are the wonderful journalists who help pay my bills,” Chris explained. “That's John Paul
the fashion editor; Mary our food woman; and Brian, Steven, Gordon, Aishling and Tracey. You
don't need to know what they do, they're just wasters.” He laughed and one of the men gave
Chris the finger and continued talking on the phone. Holly presumed he was one of the men
accused of being a waster.
“Everyone, this is Holly!” Chris yelled, and they smiled and waved again and continued talking
on the phone.
“The rest of the journalists are freelancers, so you won't see them hanging around these offices
much,” Chris explained, leading her to the room next door. “This is where all our computer
nerds hide. That's Dermot and Wayne, and they're in charge of layout and design, so you'll be
working closely with them and keeping them informed about what advertisements are going
where. Lads, this is Holly.”
“Hi, Holly.” They both stood up and shook her hand and then continued working on their
computers again.
“I have them well trained,” Chris chuckled, and he headed back out to the hall again. “Down
here is the boardroom. We have meetings every morning at eight forty-five.”
Holly nodded to everything he was saying and tried to remember the names of everyone he had
introduced to her.
“Down those steps are the toilets, and I'll show you your office now.”
He headed back down the way they had come and Holly glanced at the walls feeling excited.
This was nothing like she had ever experienced before.
“In here is your office,” he said, pushing the door open and allowing her to walk in ahead of
him.
Holly couldn't stop herself from smiling as she looked around at the small room. She had never
had her own office before. It was just big enough to fit a desk and filing cabinet. There was a
computer sitting on the desk with piles and piles of folders. Opposite the desk was a bookcase
crammed with yet more books, folders and stacks of old magazines. The huge Georgian window
practically covered the entire back wall behind her desk, and although it was cold and windy
outside, the room had a bright and airy feel to it. She could definitely see herself working here.
“It's perfect,” she told Chris, placing her briefcase on the desk and looking around.
“Good,” Chris said. “The last guy who was here was extremely organized, and all those folders
there will explain very clearly what exactly it is you need to do. If you have any problems or any
questions about anything at all, just come ask me. I'm right next door.” He knocked on the wall
that separated their offices.
“Now I'm not looking for miracles from you, because I know you're new to this, which is why I
expect you to ask lots of questions. Our next edition is due out next week, as we put them out
on the first day of every month.”
Holly's eyes widened; she had a week to fill an entire magazine.
“Don't worry.” He smiled again. “I want you to concentrate on November's edition. Familiarize
yourself with the layout of the magazine, as we stick to the same style every month, so you will
know what kind of pages will need what type of advertisements. This is a lot of work, but if you
keep yourself organized and work well with the rest of the team, everything will run smoothly.
Again, I ask you to speak to Dermot and Wayne, and they'll fill you in on the standard layout,
and if you need anything done, just ask Alice. She's there to help everyone.” He stopped talking
and looked around. “So that's about it. Any questions?”
Holly shook her head. “No, I think you covered just about everything.”
“Right, I'll leave you to it so.” He closed the door behind him and Holly sat down at her new
desk in her new office. She was slightly daunted by her new life. This was the most impressive
job she had ever had, and by the sounds of things she was going to be extremely busy, but she
was glad. She needed to keep her mind occupied. However, there was no way on earth she had
remembered everyone's name, so she took out her notepad and pen and started to write down
the ones she knew. She opened the folders and got to work.
She was so engrossed in her reading that she realized after a while that she had worked through
her lunch break. By the sounds of things, no one else from the office had budged an inch. In her
other jobs, Holly would stop working at least half an hour before lunchtime just to think about
what she was going to eat. Then she would leave fifteen minutes early and return fifteen
minutes late due to “traffic,” even though she would walk to the shop. Holly would daydream
the majority of the day, make personal phone calls, especially abroad, because she didn't have to
pay the bill, and would be first in queue to collect her monthly paycheck, which was usually
spent within two weeks.
Yes, this was very different from her previous jobs, but she was looking forward to every minute
of it.
“Right Ciara, are you sure you've got your passport?” Holly's mum asked her daughter for the
third time since leaving the house.
“Yes, Mum,” Ciara groaned, “I told you a million billion times, it's right here.”
“Show me,” Elizabeth said, twisting around in the passenger seat.
“No! I'm not showing it to you. You should just take my word for it, I'm not a baby anymore,
you know.”
Declan snorted and Ciara elbowed him in the ribs. “Shut up, you.”
“Ciara, just show Mum the passport so you can put her mind at rest,” Holly said tiredly.
“Fine,” she huffed, lifting her bag onto her lap. “It's in here, look Mum . . . no, hold on, actually
it's in here . . . no, actually maybe I put it in here . . . oh fuck!”
“Jesus Christ, Ciara,” Holly's dad growled, slamming on the brakes and turning the car around.
“What?” she said defensively. “I put it in here, Dad, someone must have taken it out,” she
grumbled, emptying the contents of her bag in the car.
“Bloody hell, Ciara,” Holly moaned as a pair of knickers went flying over her face.
“Ah shut up,” she grumbled again. “You won't have to put up with me for much longer.”
Everyone in the car went silent as they realized that was true. Ciara would be in Australia for
God only knew how long, and they would all miss her; as loud and irritating as she was.
Holly sat squashed beside the window in the backseat of the car with Declan and Ciara. Richard
was driving Mathew and Jack (ignoring his protestations), and they were probably already at the
airport at this stage. This was their second time returning to the house, as Ciara had forgotten
her lucky nose ring and demanded that her dad turn the car around.
An hour after setting off, they reached the airport in what should have been only a
twenty-minute drive.
“Jesus, what took you so long?” Jack moaned to Holly when they all finally trudged into the
airport with long faces on them. “I was stuck talking to Dick all on my own.”
“Oh give it a rest, Jack,” Holly said defensively, “he's not that bad.”
“Ooh, you've changed your tune,” he teased, his face all mock-surprise.
“No I haven't, you're just singing the wrong song,” she snapped, and she walked over to
Richard, who was standing alone watching the world go by. She smiled at her oldest brother.
“Pet, keep in touch with us a lot more this time, won't you?” Elizabeth cried to her daughter as
she hugged her.
“Of course I will, Mum. Oh please, don't cry or you'll get me started too.” A lump formed in
Holly's throat and she fought back the tears. Ciara had been good company over the last few
months and had always succeeded in cheering Holly up when she felt that life just couldn't be
worse. She would miss her sister, but she understood that Ciara needed to be with Mathew. He
was a nice guy and she was happy that they had found each other.
“Take care of my sister.” Holly stood on the tips of her toes to hug the enormous Mathew.
“Don't worry, she's in good hands,” he smiled.
“Look after her now, won't you?” Frank smacked him on the back and smiled. Mathew was
intelligent enough to know it was more of a warning than a question and gave him a very
persuasive answer.
“Bye, Richard,” Ciara said, giving him a big hug. “Stay away from that Meredith bitch now.
You're far too good for her.” Ciara turned to Declan. “You can come over anytime you like,
Dec, maybe make a movie or something about me,” she said seriously to the youngest of the
family and gave him a big hug.
“Jack, look after my big sis,” she said, smiling at Holly. “Ooh, I'm gonna miss you,” she said
sadly, squeezing Holly tightly.
“Me too,” Holly's voice shook.
“OK, I'm going now before all you depressing people make me cry,” she said, trying to sound
happy.
“Don't go using those rope jumps again, Ciara. They're far too dangerous,” Frank said, looking
worried.
“Bungee jumps, Dad!” Ciara laughed, kissing him and her mother on the cheeks again. “Don't
worry, I'm sure I'll find something new to try,” she teased.
Holly stood in silence with her family and watched as Ciara and Mathew walked hand in hand
out the door. Even Declan had a tear in his eye but pretended his eyes were watering because he
was about to sneeze.
“Just look at the lights, Declan.” Jack threw his arm around his baby brother. “They say that
helps you sneeze.”
Declan stared up at the lights and avoided watching his favorite sister walking away. Frank held
his wife close to him as she waved at her daughter constantly while tears rolled down her
cheeks.
They all laughed as the alarm went off when Ciara walked through the security scanner and was
ordered to empty her pockets, followed by a frisk.
“Every bloody time,” Jack laughed. “It's a wonder they agreed to let her into the country at all.”
They all waved good-bye as Ciara and Mathew walked on until her pink hair was eventually lost
among the crowd.
“OK,” Elizabeth said, wiping the tears from her face, “why don't the rest of my babies come
back to the house and we can all have lunch.”
They all agreed, seeing how upset their mother was.
“I'll let you go with Richard this time,” Jack said smartly to Holly and wandered off with the
rest of the family, leaving Richard and Holly standing there slightly taken aback.
“So how was your first week at work, darling?” Elizabeth asked Holly as they all sat around the
table eating lunch.
“Oh, I love it, Mum,” Holly said and her eyes lit up. “It's so much more interesting and
challenging than any other job I've done, and all the staff are just so friendly. There's a great
atmosphere in the place,” she said happily.
“Well, that's the most important thing, isn't it?” Frank said, pleased. “What's your boss like?”
“Oh, he's such a doll. He reminds me so much of you, Dad, I just feel like giving him a big hug
and a kiss every time I see him.”
“Sounds like sexual harassment in the workplace to me,” Declan joked, and Jack sniggered.
Holly rolled her eyes at her brothers.
“Are you doing any new documentaries this year, Declan?” Jack asked.
“Yeah, on homelessness,” he said with his mouth full of food.
“Declan.” Elizabeth scrunched up her nose at him. “Don't talk with your mouth full.”
“Sorry,” Declan said and spat the food out on the table.
Jack burst out laughing and nearly choked on his food while the rest of the family looked away
from Declan in disgust.
“What did you say you were doing, son?” Frank asked, trying to avoid a family fight.
“I'm doing a documentary on homelessness this year for college.”
“Oh very good,” he replied, retreating back to a world of his own.
“What member of the family are you using as your subject this time? Richard?” Jack said slyly.
Holly slammed down her knife and fork.
“That's not funny, man,” Declan said seriously, surprising Holly.
“God, why is everyone so touchy these days?” Jack asked, looking around. “It was just a joke,”
he defended himself.
“It wasn't funny, Jack,” Elizabeth said sternly.
“What did he say?” Frank asked his wife after snapping out of his trance. Elizabeth just shook
her head dismissively and he knew not to ask again.
Holly watched Richard, who sat at the end of the table eating his food quietly. Her heart leapt
out to him. He didn't deserve this, and either Jack was being more cruel than usual or else this
was the norm and Holly must have been a fool to find it funny before.
“Sorry Richard, I was just joking,” Jack said.
“That's OK, Jack.”
“So have you found a job yet?”
“No, not yet.”
“That's a shame,” he said dryly, and Holly glared at him. What the hell was his problem?
Elizabeth calmly picked up her cutlery and plate of food without a word to anyone and quietly
made her way into the living room, where she turned the television on and ate her dinner in
peace.
Her “funny little elves” weren't making her laugh anymore.
Thirty-eight
HOLLY DRUMMED HER FINGERS ON her desk and stared out the window. She was
absolutely flying through her work this week. She didn't know it was possible to actually enjoy
work so much. She had happily sat through lunch breaks and had even stayed back late to work,
and she didn't feel like punching any of her fellow employees in the face yet. But it was only her
third week, after all; give her time. The good thing was that she didn't even feel uncomfortable
around any of her fellow colleagues. The only people she had real contact with were Dermot
and Wayne, the guys from layout and design. The office had developed a lighthearted banter and
she would often hear people screaming at each other from office to office. It was all in good
humor and she loved it.
She loved feeling like she was a part of the team, as though she were actually doing something
that made a real impact on the finished product. She thought of Gerry every single day. Every
time she made a deal she thanked him, thanked him for pushing her all the way to the top. She
still had her miserable days when she didn't feel worthy of getting out of bed. But the
excitement of her job was dragging her out and spurring her on.
She heard the radio go on in Chris's office next door and she smiled. On the hour every hour
without fail, he turned on the news. And all the news seeped into Holly's brain subconsciously.
She had never felt so intelligent in her life.
“Hey!” Holly yelled, banging on the wall. “Turn that thing down! Some of us are trying to
work!”
She heard him chuckle and she smiled. She glanced back down at her work again; a freelancer
had written an article on how he traveled around Ireland trying to find the cheapest pint and it
was very amusing. There was a huge gap at the bottom of the page and it was up to Holly to fill
it. She flicked through her book of contacts and an idea came to her immediately. She picked up
the phone and dialed.
“Hogan's.”
“Hi, Daniel Connelly, please.”
“One moment.”
Bloody “Greensleeves” again. She danced around the room to the music while she waited. Chris
walked in, took one look at her and closed the door again. Holly smiled.
“Hello?”
“Daniel?”
“Yes.”
“Hiya, it's Holly.”
“How are you doin', Holly?”
“I'm grand, thanks, you?
“Couldn't be better.”
“That's a nice complaint.”
He laughed. “How's that snazzy job of yours?”
“Well, actually that's why I'm calling.” Holly sounded guilty.
“Oh no!” he laughed. “I have made it company policy not to employ any more Kennedys here.”
Holly giggled, “Oh damn, and I was so looking forward to throwing drinks over the customers.”
He laughed. “So what's up?”
“Do I remember hearing you say you needed to advertise Club Diva more?” Well, he had
actually thought that he was saying it to Sharon, but she knew he wouldn't remember that minor
detail.
“I do recall saying that, yes.”
“Good, well how would you like to advertise it in magazine X?”
“Is that the name of the magazine you work on?”
“No, I just thought it would be an interesting question, that's all,” she joked. “Of course it's
where I work!”
“Oh of course, I'd forgotten, that's the magazine that has offices just around the corner from
me!” he said sarcastically. “The one that causes you to walk by my front door every day, and yet
you still don't call in. Why don't I see you at lunchtime?” he teased. “Isn't my pub good enough
for you?”
“Oh, everyone here eats their lunch at their desks,” she explained. “So what do you think?”
“I think that's very boring of you all.”
“No, I mean what do you think about the ad?”
“Yeah sure, that's a good idea.”
“OK, well, I'll put it in the November issue. Would you like it placed monthly?”
“Would you like to tell me how much that would set me back?” he laughed.
Holly totted up the figures and told him.
“Hmm. . . ,” he said, thinking. “I'll have to think about it, but I'll definitely go for the November
edition.”
“Oh, that's great! You'll be a millionaire after this goes to print.”
“I better be,” he laughed. “By the way, there's a launch party for some new drink coming up
next week. Can I put your name down for an invite?”
“Yeah, that would be great. What new drink is it?”
“Blue Rock, it's called. It's a new Alco pop drink that's apparently going to be huge. Tastes like
shite but it's free all night so I'll buy the rounds.”
“Wow, you're such a good advertisement for it,” she laughed. “When is it on?” She took out her
diary and made a note of it. “That's perfect, I can come straight after work.”
“Well, make sure you bring your bikini to work in that case.”
“Make sure I bring my what?”
“Your bikini,” he laughed. “It has a beach theme.”
“But it's winter, you nutter.”
“Hey, it wasn't my idea. The slogan is 'Blue Rock, the hot new drink for winter.' ”
“Ugghh, how tacky,” she groaned.
“And messy. We're getting sand thrown all over the floor, which will be a nightmare to clean
up. Anyway, listen, I better get back to work, we're mad busy today.”
“OK, thanks, Daniel. Have a think about what you want your ad to say and get back to me.”
“Will do.”
She hung up and sat quietly for a moment. Finally she stood up and went next door to Chris's
office, a thought occurring to her.
“You finished dancing in there?” he chuckled.
“Yeah, I just made up a routine. Came in to show you,” she joked.
“What's the problem?” he said, finishing off what he was writing and taking off his glasses.
“No problem; just an idea.”
“Take a seat.” He nodded to the chair in front of him. Just three weeks ago she had sat there for
an interview, and now here she was putting ideas forward to her new boss. Funny how life
changed so quickly, but then again she had learned that already . . .
“What's the idea?”
“Well, you know Hogan's around the corner?”
Chris nodded.
“Well, I was just on to the owner and he's going to place an ad in the magazine.”
“That's great, but I hope you don't tell me about every time you fill a space, we could be here all
year.”
Holly made a face. “That's not it, Chris. Anyway, he was telling me that they're having a launch
party for a new drink called Blue Rock. A new Alco pop drink. It has a beach theme, all the staff
will be in bikinis and that kind of thing.”
“In the middle of winter?” he raised his eyebrows.
“It's apparently the hot new drink for winter.”
He rolled his eyes. “Tacky.”
Holly smiled. “That's what I said. Anyway, I just thought it might be worth finding out about
and covering. I know we're supposed to raise ideas in the meetings, but this is happening pretty
soon.”
“I understand. That's a great idea, Holly. I'll get one of the lads onto it.”
Holly smiled happily and stood up from her chair. “By the way, did you get that garden sorted
yet?”
Chris frowned. “I've had about ten different people come down to look at it. They tell me it'll
cost six grand to do.”
“Wow, six grand! That's a lot of money.”
“Well, it's a big garden, so they have a point. A lot of work needs to be done.”
“What was the cheapest quote?”
“Five and a half grand, why?”
“Because my brother will do it for five,” she blurted out.
“Five?” His eyes nearly popped out of his head. “That's the lowest I've heard yet. Is he any
good?”
“Remember I told you my garden was a jungle?”
He nodded.
“Well, it's a jungle no longer. He did a great job on it, but the only thing is that he works alone,
so it takes him longer.”
“For that price I don't care how long it takes. Have you got his business card with you?”
“Eh . . . yeah, hold on and I'll get it.” She stole some impressive-looking card stock from Alice's
desk, typed up Richard's name and mobile number in fancy writing, and printed it out. She cut it
into a small rectangle shape, making it appear like a business card.
“That's great,” Chris said, reading it. “I think I'll give him a call now.”
“No no,” Holly said quickly. “You'll get him easier tomorrow. He's up to his eyeballs today.”
“Right so; thanks, Holly.” She started to head toward the door and stopped when he called out
to her, “Oh, by the way, how are you at writing?”
“It was one of the subjects I learned at school.”
Chris laughed. “Are you still on that level?”
“Well, I'm sure I could purchase a thesaurus.”
“Good, because I need you to cover that launch thing on Tuesday.”
“Oh?”
“I can't get any of the others at such short notice and I can't go to it myself, so I have to rely on
you.” He shuffled some papers on his desk. “I'll send one of the photographers down with you;
get a few shots of the sand and the bikinis.”
“Oh . . . OK.” Holly's heart raced.
“How does eight hundred words sound?”
Impossible, she thought. As far as she knew, she had only fifty words in her vocabulary. “That's
no problem,” she said confidently and backed out the door. Shit shit shit shit, she thought to
herself; how on earth was she going to pull this one off? She couldn't even spell properly.
She picked up the phone and pressed redial.
“Hogan's.”
“Daniel Connelly, please.”
“One moment.”
“Don't put me on . . .”
“Greensleeves” started.
“Hold,” she finished.
“Hello?”
“Daniel, it's me,” she said quickly.
“Would you ever leave me alone,” he teased.
“No, I need help.”
“I know you do, but I'm not qualified for that,” he laughed.
“No seriously, I mentioned that launch to my editor and he wants to cover it.”
“Oh brilliant. You can forget about that ad so!” he laughed.
“No, not brilliant. He wants me to write it.”
“That's great news, Holly.”
“No it's not, I can't write,” she panicked.
“Oh really? That was one of the main subjects in my school.”
“Oh Daniel, please be serious for a minute . . .”
“OK, what do you want me to do?”
“I need you to tell me absolutely everything you know about this drink and the launch so I can
start writing it now and have a few days to work on it.”
“Yes, just one minute, sir,” he yelled away from the phone. “Look Holly, I really have to get
back to work now.”
“Please,” she whimpered.
“OK listen, what time do you finish work?”
“Six.” She crossed her fingers and prayed for him to help her.
“OK, why don't you come around here at six, and I'll take you somewhere to have a bite?”
“Oh, thank you so much, Daniel.” She jumped around her office with relief. “You're a star!”
She hung up the phone happily and breathed a sigh of relief. Maybe there was a chance she
could get the article done after all and still manage to keep her job. Then she froze as she went
back over the conversation in her head.
Had she just agreed to go on a date with Daniel?
Thirty-nine
HOLLY COULDN'T CONCENTRATE DURING THE last hour of work; she kept on
watching the clock, willing the time to go more slowly. For once it was the exact opposite. Why
didn't it go this fast when she was waiting to open her messages from Gerry? She opened her
bag for the millionth time that day to double-check that Gerry's eighth message was still tucked
safely in the inside pocket. As it was the last day of the month she had decided to bring the
October envelope with her to work. She wasn't sure why, because she knew she had no
intentions of working till midnight, she could easily wait until she got home to open it. But her
excitement was just so strong that she couldn't face leaving it sitting on the kitchen table as she
headed out to work. She was even more intrigued by this one, as the envelope was slightly
larger than the others. Plus, she felt Gerry was closer to her this way. His words were in her
handbag and that was the closest she would get to him. She was only hours away from being
that much closer to him again, and while she willed the clock to move faster so she could read
it, she was also dreading her dinner with Daniel.
At six o'clock on the button she heard Alice switch off her computer and clatter down the
wooden stairs to freedom. Holly smiled, remembering that was exactly how she had once felt.
But then again, everything was different when you had a beautiful husband to go home to. If
she still had Gerry with her she would be racing Alice out the door.
She listened as a few of the others packed up their things and she prayed Chris would dump
another load on her desk just so she would have to stay late and cancel dinner with Daniel. She
and Daniel had been out together millions of times, so why was she worrying now? But
something was niggling her at the back of her mind. There was something in his voice that
worried her, and there was something that happened to her stomach when his voice came on the
phone that made her feel uneasy about meeting up with him. She felt so guilty and ashamed for
going out with him, and she tried to convince herself it was just a business dinner. In fact, the
more she thought about it the more she realized that that was exactly what it was. She thought
about how she had become one of those people who discussed business over dinner. Usually the
only business she discussed over dinner was men and life in general with Sharon and Denise,
which was girls' business.
She slowly shut down her computer and packed her briefcase with meticulous care. Everything
she did was in slow motion, as though that would prevent her from having to have dinner with
Daniel. She hit herself over the head . . . it was a business dinner.
“Hey, don't beat yourself up about it.” Alice leaned in through Holly's door.
Holly jumped with fright. “Jesus, Alice, I didn't see you there.”
“Everything OK?”
“Yeah,” she said unconvincingly. “I just have to do something that I really don't want to do. But
I kind of want to do it, which makes me not want to do it even more because it seems so wrong
even though it's right. You know?” She looked at Alice, who was staring at her with wide eyes.
“I thought I overanalyzed things.”
“Oh, don't mind me.” Holly perked up, “I'm just going nuts.”
“It happens to the best of us,” Alice smiled.
“What are you doing back here?” Holly said suddenly, realizing she had heard her legging it out
the door earlier. “Does freedom not beckon you?”
“I know,” Alice rolled her eyes, “but I forgot we had a meeting at six.”
“Oh,” Holly was disappointed. Nobody had told her about any meeting today, which wasn't
unusual because she wasn't required to be at all of them. But it was unusual for Alice to attend
one without Holly being asked.
“Is it about anything interesting?” Holly poked around for information, trying to make herself
sound uninterested while she busied herself at her desk.
“It's the astrology meeting.”
“Astrology meeting?”
“Yeah, we have it monthly.”
“Oh, am I supposed to be there or am I not invited to it?” She tried not to sound bitter but failed
miserably, much to her embarrassment.
Alice laughed. “Of course you're welcome to come, Holly, I was just about to ask you, which is
why I'm standing outside your office.”
Holly put her briefcase down feeling stupid and followed Alice into the boardroom, where
everybody was sitting down and waiting.
“Everyone, this is Holly's first astrology meeting, so let's make her feel welcome,” Alice
announced.
Holly took her seat while they all jokingly applauded their new member at the table. Chris spoke
to Holly: “Holly, I just want you to know that I have absolutely nothing to do with this
nonsense and I want to apologize in advance for you being dragged into it.”
“Oh shut up, Chris.” Tracey waved a hand at her boss as she took her seat at the head of the
table with a notepad and pen in her hand.
“OK, who wants to go first this month?”
“Let Holly go first,” Alice said generously.
Holly looked around completely baffled. “But Holly doesn't have a clue what's going on.”
“Well, what star sign are you?” Tracey asked.
“Taurus.”
Everyone oohed and aahed, and Chris held his head in his hands and tried to look like he wasn't
enjoying himself.
“Ooh great,” Tracey said happily. “We've never had a Taurus before. OK, so are you married or
seeing anyone or single or anything?”
Holly blushed as Brian winked over at her and Chris smiled at her encouragingly; he was the
only one at the table who knew about Gerry. Holly realized this was the first time she had had
to answer this question since Gerry had died, and she was confused as to how to answer. “Em . .
. no, I'm not really seeing anyone but . . .”
“OK then,” Tracey said, starting to write, “this month Taurus shall look out for someone tall,
dark and handsome and . . .” She shrugged and looked up, “Anybody?”
“Because he will have a big impact on her future,” Alice helped out.
Brian winked over at her again, obviously finding it very amusing that he was also tall and dark,
and obviously blind if he thought he was handsome. Holly visibly shuddered and he looked
away.
“OK, the career stuff is easy,” Tracey continued. “Taurus will be occupied and satisfied by a
new workload that comes their way. Lucky day will be a . . .” she thought for a while,
“Tuesday, and lucky color is . . . blue,” she decided, looking at the color of Holly's top. “Right,
who's next?”
“Hold on a minute,” Holly interrupted. “Is this my horoscope for next month?” she asked,
shocked.
Everyone around the table laughed. “Have we shattered your dreams?” Gordon teased.
“Completely,” she said, sounding crushed. “I love reading my horoscopes. Please tell me this
isn't what all magazines do?” she pleaded.
Chris shook his head, “No, not all magazines do it like this, Holly, some of them just hire people
who have the talent to make it up themselves without involving the rest of the office.” He
glared at Tracey.
“Ha-ha, Chris,” Tracey said dryly.
“So Tracey, you're not psychic?” Holly asked sadly.
Tracey shook her head, “No, not psychic, but I'm good as an agony aunt and at making up
crossword puzzles, thank you very much.” She glared at Chris and he mouthed the word “wow”
at her.
“Ah, you've all ruined it for me now,” Holly laughed, and sat back in her chair feeling deflated.
“OK Chris, you're next. This month Gemini will overwork themselves, never leave their office
and eat junk food all the time. They need to find some sort of balance in their lives.”
Chris rolled his eyes. “You write that every month, Tracey.”
“Well, until you change your lifestyle I can't change what Gemini will do, can I? Besides, I
haven't had any complaints so far.”
“But I'm complaining!” Chris laughed.
“But you don't count because you don't believe in star signs.”
“And I wonder why,” he laughed.
They went through everyone's star sign and Tracey finally gave in to Brian's demands that Leo
be desired by the opposite sex all month and win the lottery. Hmm . . . wonder what star sign
Brian was. Holly looked at her watch and realized she was late for her business meeting with
Daniel.
“Oh, sorry everybody, I have to rush off,” she said, excusing herself from the table.
“Your tall, dark and handsome man awaits you,” Alice giggled. “Send him on to me if you don't
want him.”
Holly headed outside and her heart beat wildly as she spotted Daniel walking down the road to
meet her. The cool autumn months had arrived, so Daniel was back wearing his black leather
jacket again, teamed with blue jeans. His black hair was messy and stubble lined his chin. He
had that just-out-of-bed look. Holly's stomach lurched again and she looked away.
“Ooh, I told you!” Tracey said excitedly as she walked out the door behind Holly and hurried off
down the road happily.
“I'm so sorry, Daniel,” she apologized. “I got tied up in a meeting and I couldn't call,” she lied.
“Don't worry about it, I'm sure it was important.” He smiled at her and she instantly felt guilty.
This was Daniel, her friend, not someone she should be avoiding. What on earth was wrong
with her?
“So where would you like to go?” he asked.
“How about in there?” Holly said, looking at the small café on the ground floor of her office
building. She wanted to go to the least intimate and most casual place possible.
Daniel scrunched up his nose. “I'm a bit hungrier than that if you don't mind. I haven't eaten all
day.”
They walked along together and Holly pointed out every single café along the way, and Daniel
shook his head at each one. Eventually he settled on an Italian restaurant that Holly couldn't say
no to. Not because she wanted to go in but because there was nowhere else left to go after she
had said no to every other dark, romantic restaurant and Daniel had refused to eat in any of the
casual, brightly lit cafés.
Inside it was quiet, with just a few tables occupied by couples staring lovingly into each other's
eyes over a candlelit dinner. When Daniel stood up to take his jacket off Holly quickly blew out
the candle on their table when he wasn't looking. He was dressed in a deep blue shirt that
caused his eyes to seem luminous in the dim restaurant.
“They make you sick, don't they?” Daniel laughed, following Holly's gaze to a couple on the far
side of the room who were kissing across the table.
“Actually no,” Holly thought aloud. “They make me sad.”
Daniel hadn't heard her, as he was busy reading through the menu. “What are you having?”
“I'm going to have a Caesar salad.”
“You women and your Caesar salads,” Daniel teased. “Aren't you hungry?”
“Not really.” She shook her head and blushed as her stomach grumbled loudly.
“I think somebody disagrees with you down there,” he laughed. “I don't think you ever eat,
Holly Kennedy.”
Just not when I'm with you, she thought. “I just don't have a very big appetite, that's all.”
“Yeah, well, I've seen rabbits eat more than you do,” he laughed.
Holly tried to control the conversation, steering it into safe territory, and they spent the evening
talking about the launch party. She wasn't in the mood for discussing their private feelings and
thoughts tonight; she wasn't even quite sure what exactly they were right then. Daniel had
kindly brought a copy of the press release so that Holly could look through it in advance and get
to work on it as soon as possible. He also gave her a list of phone numbers for the people
working on Blue Rock so that Holly could get a few quotes. He was extremely helpful, giving
her tips on what angle to take and who to talk to for more information. She left the restaurant
feeling a lot less panicked about having to write the article; however, she felt a little more
panicked about why she had been so uncomfortable with a man that she was certain only
wanted to be her friend. She was also still starving after eating only a few lettuce leaves.
She stepped outside of the restaurant for a breath of fresh air while Daniel kindly paid the bill.
He was an extremely generous man, there was no denying that, and she was glad of his
friendship. It just didn't feel quite right for her to be eating in a small intimate restaurant with
anyone other than Gerry. She felt all wrong. She should be at home right now sitting at her
kitchen table waiting until twelve o'clock so that she could open her October letter from Gerry.
She froze and tried to hide her face as she spotted a couple walking toward her that she really
did not wish to see. She bent over to pretend to tie her shoelace until she realized she had worn
her zip-up boots that day and ended up embarrassingly fumbling with the ends of her trousers.
“Holly, is that you?” she heard the familiar voice. She stared at the two pairs of shoes standing
in front of her and slowly looked up to meet their eyes.
“Hello there!” She tried to sound surprised while nervously steadying herself to her feet.
“How are you?” the woman asked, giving her a feeble hug. “What are you doing standing out
here in the cold?”
Holly prayed that Daniel stayed inside for another while longer. “Oh, you know . . . I was just
having a bite to eat,” she smiled shakily, pointing at the restaurant.
“Oh, we're just about to go in there,” the man said, smiling. “It's a shame we just missed you,
we could have eaten together.”
“Yes, yes it's a shame . . .”
“Well, good for you anyway,” the woman said, patting her on the back. “It's good to get out and
do things on your own.”
“Well, actually . . .” She glanced at the door again, praying that it wouldn't open. “Yes, it's nice
to do that . . .” She trailed off.
“There you are!” Daniel laughed, stepping outside. “I thought you had run off on me.” He
wrapped his arm loosely around her shoulders.
Holly smiled at him weakly and turned to face the couple.
“Oh sorry, I didn't see you there.” Daniel smiled, turning to face them.
The couple stared back at him stonily.
“Eh . . . Daniel, this is Judith and Charles. They're Gerry's parents.”
Forty
HOLLY PRESSED DOWN ON HER car horn heavily and cursed at the driver in front of her.
She was fuming. She was mad at herself for being caught in such a situation. She was mad at
herself for feeling that she had been caught in a bad situation when really there was nothing to
it. But she was even angrier at herself for feeling like there was more to it because she had really
enjoyed Daniel's company all evening. And she shouldn't be enjoying herself because it didn't
feel right, but it had felt so right at the time . . .
She held her hand up to her head and massaged her temples. She had a headache and she was
overanalyzing things again and the stupid traffic all the way home was driving her insane. Poor
Daniel, she thought sadly. Gerry's parents had been so rude to him and had ended the
conversation abruptly and charged into the restaurant, refusing to make eye contact with Holly.
Oh, why did they have to see her the one time she was happy? They could have come around to
the house any day of the week to see her feeling miserable and living the life of the perfect
grieving widow. They would have been happy then. But they hadn't, and now they probably
thought she was having a great life without their son. Well, screw them, she thought angrily,
pushing down on the horn again. Why did it always take people five minutes to move from the
traffic lights when they went green?
She stopped at every single set of traffic lights she met, and all she wanted to do was to go
home and throw a tantrum in the privacy of her own home. She picked up her mobile and called
Sharon, knowing she would understand.
“Hello?”
“Hi John, it's Holly, can I speak to Sharon?” she said.
“Sorry Holly, she's asleep. I would wake her for you but she's been absolutely exhausted–”
“No, don't worry,” she interrupted. “I'll call her tomorrow.”
“Is it important?” he asked, worried.
“No,” she said quietly. “It's not important at all.” She hung up and immediately dialed Denise's
number.
“Hello?” Denise giggled.
“Hiya,” Holly said.
“Are you OK?” Denise giggled again. “Tom, stop!” she whispered, and Holly quickly realized
she had called at a bad time.
“Yeah, I'm fine. I just called for a chat but I can hear you're busy there,” she forced a laugh.
“OK then, I'll call tomorrow, Hol.” She giggled again.
“OK then, b–” Holly didn't even get to finish her sentence as Denise had hung up.
She sat at the traffic light lost in thought until loud beeps behind her caused her to jump and
press her foot down on the accelerator.
She decided to go to her parents' house and talk to Ciara, as she would cheer her up. Just as she
pulled up outside the house, she remembered Ciara was no longer there and her eyes filled with
tears. Once again she had nobody.
She rang the doorbell and Declan answered.
“What's wrong with you?”
“Nothing,” she said, feeling sorry for herself. “Where's Mum?”
“In the kitchen with Dad talking to Richard. I'd leave them alone for a bit.”
“Oh . . . OK . . .” She felt lost. “What are you up to?”
“I'm just watching what I filmed today.”
“Is this for the documentary on homelessness?”
“Yeah, do you wanna watch it?”
“Yeah.” She smiled gratefully and settled herself down on the couch. A few minutes into the
video and Holly was in tears, but for once they weren't for herself. Declan had done an incisive,
heartrending interview with a remarkable man who was living on the streets of Dublin. She
realized there were people far worse off than she, and the fact that Gerry's parents had bumped
into her and Daniel walking out of a restaurant seemed like such a stupid thing to worry about.
“Oh Declan, that was excellent,” she said, drying her eyes when it had finished.
“Thanks,” he said quietly, taking the video out of the player and packing it in his bag.
“Are you not happy with it?”
He shrugged his shoulders. “When you end up spending the day with people like that it's kind of
hard to be happy about the fact that what he has to say is so bad that it's making a great
documentary. So therefore the worse off he is, the better off I am.”
Holly listened with interest. “No, I don't agree with that, Declan. I think that you filming this
will make a difference to him. People will see it and want to help.”
Declan just shrugged. “Maybe. Anyway I'm going to bed now, I'm absolutely knackered.” He
picked up his bag and kissed her on the top of her head as he passed, which really touched
Holly. Her baby brother was growing up.
Holly glanced at the clock on the mantelpiece and noticed it was almost twelve. She reached for
her bag and took out the October envelope from Gerry. She dreaded the days when there would
be no more letters. After all, there were only two left after this. She ran her fingers over the
writing once again and tore the seal open. Holly slid the card out of the envelope and a dried
flower that had been pressed between two cards fell onto her lap. Her favorite, a sunflower.
Along with it, a small pouch had landed on her lap. She studied it with curiosity and realized it
was a packet of sunflower seeds. Her hands shook as she touched the delicate petals, not
wanting them to snap between her fingers. His message read:
A sunflower for my sunflower. To brighten the dark October days you hate so much. Plant some
more, and be safe in the knowledge a warm and bright summer awaits.
PS, I love you . . .
PPS, Could you please pass this card on to John?
Holly lifted the second card that had fallen on to her lap and read the words through her tears
and laughter.
To John,
Happy 32nd birthday. You're getting old, my friend, but I hope you have many, many more
birthdays. Enjoy life and take care of my wife and Sharon. You're the man now!
Lots of Love, your friend Gerry
PS, Told you I'd keep my promise.
Holly read and reread every single word Gerry had written. She sat on that couch for what
seemed like hours and thought about how happy John would be to hear from his friend. She
thought about how much her life had changed over the past few months. Her working life had
definitely improved significantly, and she was proud of herself for sticking at it; she loved the
feeling of satisfaction she got each day when she switched off her computer and left the office.
Gerry had pushed her to be brave; he had encouraged her to want a job that meant more to her
in life than just a paycheck. She wouldn't have needed to search for those extra things if Gerry
were still with her. Life without him was emptier, leaving more room for herself. She'd
exchange it all to have Gerry back.
That wasn't an option. She needed to start thinking about herself and her own future. Because
there was no one else to share the responsibilities with her anymore.
Holly wiped her eyes and stood up from the couch. She felt a new bounce in her step and she
couldn't wipe the grin off her face. She tapped lightly on the kitchen door.
“Come in,” Elizabeth called.
Holly stepped in and looked around at her parents and Richard sitting at the table with cups of
tea in their hands.
“Oh hello, love,” her mum said, happily getting up to give her a hug and a kiss. “I didn't hear
you come in.”
“I've been here about an hour. I was just watching Declan's documentary.” Holly beamed at her
family and felt like giving them all a hug.
“It's great, isn't it?” Frank said, standing up to greet his eldest daughter with a hug and a kiss.
Holly nodded and joined them at the table. “Have you found a job yet?” she asked Richard.
He shook his head sadly and looked as though he were going to cry.
“Well, I did.”
He looked at her disgusted that she could say such a thing. “Well, I know you did.”
“No Richard,” she smiled. “I mean I got you a job.”
He looked up at her in surprise. “You what?”
“You heard me,” she grinned. “My boss will be calling you tomorrow.”
His face fell. “Oh Holly, that's very nice of you indeed, but I have no interest in advertising. My
interest is in science.”
“And gardening.”
“Yes, I like gardening.” He looked confused.
“So that's why my boss will be calling you. To ask you to work on his garden. I told him you'll
do it for five thousand; I hope that's OK.” She smiled at him as his mouth dropped open.
He was completely speechless so Holly kept on talking.
“And here's your business cards,” she said, handing him a large pile of cards that she had printed
up that day.
Richard and her parents picked up the cards and read them in silence.
Suddenly Richard started laughing, jumped out of his chair pulling Holly with him, and danced
her around the kitchen while her parents looked on and cheered.
“Oh, by the way,” Richard said, calming down and glancing at the card again, “you spelled
'gardener' wrong. It's not 'gardner,' it is 'gard-en-er.' ” He spoke slowly. “See the difference?”
Holly stopped dancing and sighed with frustration.